Vol 57 Issue 1, Donald Trump

Vol 57 Issue 1, Donald Trump

‘I’ve Been Selfish And Arrogant, And I Apologize,’ Says Content, Mentally Healthy Trump Minutes After Social Media Ban

‘I’ve Been Selfish And Arrogant, And I Apologize,’ Says Content, Mentally Healthy Trump Minutes After Social Media Ban

1/8/2021 1:54:00 AM

‘I’ve Been Selfish And Arrogant, And I Apologize,’ Says Content, Mentally Healthy Trump Minutes After Social Media Ban

WASHINGTON—Projecting a calm, measured assurance as he reflected on his personal shortcomings, a content and mentally sound President Trump told reporters just minutes after his ban from social media Thursday that he had been “selfish and arrogant,” and he apologized unconditionally for his behavior. “I’ve lied to myself and the country, lashed out at those who love me, and hurt a lot of people along the way,” said Trump, who, after 15 minutes of being unable to tweet or post updates to Facebook, gathered together friends, family, and the entire White House press corps to let them know that love is the only thing that truly matters. “I just took a walk with a dear friend who I haven’t spoken to in ages, and as we sat on a bench staring at the Potomac, I asked him, ‘What am I doing with my life?’ Over the past quarter hour, I’ve realized that caring for others, lending a hand to someone in need—these are the only things in this world that can give a man true integrity. I hope you all have it in your hearts to forgive me for my pride and my many failures in this life.” At press time, Trump was overheard asking House Speaker Nancy Pelosi if she had ever noticed how beautiful a simple goldfinch was, while suggesting the two of them go birding together in the Adirondacks after he left office.

WASHINGTON—Projecting a calm, measured assurance as he reflected on his personal shortcomings, a content and mentally sound President Trump told reporters just minutes after his ban from social media Thursday that he had been “selfish and arrogant,” and he apologiz

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ed unconditionally for his behavior. “I’ve lied to myself and the country, lashed out at those who love me, and hurt a lot of people along the way,” said Trump, who, after 15 minutes of being unable to tweet or post updates to Facebook, gathered together friends, family, and the entire White House press corps to let them know that love is the only thing that truly matters. “I just took a walk with a dear friend who I haven’t spoken to in ages, and as we sat on a bench staring at the Potomac, I asked him, ‘What am I doing with my life?’ Over the past quarter hour, I’ve realized that caring for others, lending a hand to someone in need—these are the only things in this world that can give a man true integrity. I hope you all have it in your hearts to forgive me for my pride and my many failures in this life.” At press time, Trump was overheard asking House Speaker Nancy Pelosi if she had ever noticed how beautiful a simple goldfinch was, while suggesting the two of them go birding together in the Adirondacks after he left office.

Read more: The Onion »

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suck_trying Is it bad that I knew it was an Onion article just from the caption? Trump has no layers. We therefore would have been better with fucking Shrek or Donkey. 💭CameronDiaz Unless Lady Ogre decides to run. Because there is something about Mary.There is nothing about or with Trump. Oh so we're back to doing satire again? You wanna make up your mind already my heads still spinning from last year thank you cause i really couldn't tell this time

TRUMP PRESIDENT USA So all this time it was only a matter of taking his phone away? Trump is Blair SteveKerr I knew it was satire as soon as a saw the words “Mentally Healthy Trump” SteveKerr WHAT? That’s gotta be a joke. Wait Trump has been banned from social media? Fake news Awww all's well that ends well!

This goes way too far, even for the Onion. We all know that any Trump 🤡 self-reflection is not remotely possible. Lock him up 25th Amendment before he pardons himself from all his criminal activities. Then arrest and charge him for everything!!! I'm impressed. I figured that with all the latest events, it was no longer possible to come up with something completely ridiculous.

Awww There is nothing that can top this in the next decade. I guarantee it. this is the most Onion headline I've ever seen Resign Now. Your Father would be proud. So sad. A sane and competent sounding trump is scary, stop playing You took your satire to a whole new level with this one. This wouldn’t happen even in m alternate universe