‘I Just Want A Substantive, Issues-Oriented Democratic Debate,’ Lie Thousands Of Americans Hungry For Unhinged Trainwreck

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WASHINGTON—Claiming to desire a measured, civilized discussion bringing to light the pros and cons of each candidate, thousands of Americans hungry for an unhinged trainwreck lied that they just want “a substantive, issues-oriented Democratic debate,” sources confirmed Tuesday. “I want to hear from each of the candidates and learn their stance on important matters,” said the thousands of deceitful Americans eagerly waiting to see the 23 Democratic candidates for president tear each other limb from limb in vicious smear campaigns and personal attacks under the guise of self-promotion and campaign strategy. “What I’m all about is a coherent, civil debate [that eventually leads to a humiliating GIF I can post online and eventually filter all of my opinions on a candidate through]. Finally, we might get a chance to delve into the meat of the issues in a considerate exchange of ideas [which hopefully is a facade for a mudslinging free-for-all that eventually disgraces a candidate to the point that they become a pariah and leave politics forever]. At press time, the salivating, wild-eyed nation was purportedly “disappointed with all the political back-biting” after hearing one candidate accuse another of flip-flopping on gun control.

 

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MattLeaf1

Hear, hear! Look at how happy Tweeters are after the 'fight' between BernieSanders and ewarren. TPTB say 'Why doesn't his team fight her team?' and look at the MESS! While Status Quo Joe quietly takes the nom, we're busy fighting over who FDR would've liked best. 1/2

ndrew_lawrence Game of Podiums

Oh they’re gonna get a train wreck. This is going to be glorious. 🍿

I just want to see Biden call Warren Pocahontas and thenwatch him get bitch slapped by Warren Harris and Mayor Pete. Of course Uncle Joe would probably enjoy it. spiceitup

christos_ioa

Can I get a little bit of both?

Let the games begin

Good practice for the general election debates.

Yeah democracy is such a train wreck.

cn_mills This is stablegeenus

It’s not a lie when I say it.

Be honest, we all want it.

Damnit, you're supposed to be parody. PARODY!

Wait, you think the Candidates won't engage in a civil, substantive discussion? No...you don't say ;)

redsteeze You spelled 'gladiator style last man/woman standing fight to the death' wrong.

Nice 👏

I'm going to watch... I expect an actual shitshow of confusion and loss of control. It'll be like herding cats that can talk

bdomenech I already have my bottle of wine and bag of salty pretzels ready! Can't wait for tomorrow night 🙌🙌🙌🙌

Seems like those particular Americans should be very well fed already.

Are you ready to RUMMMBLE.

you know what, ill say it. its unfair that only the republicans have a Trump. We need a democratic Trump to get back at them

And somehow, I don’t think they’ll disappoint. But the real question is can they be a bigger dumpster fire than the twitterer in chief ....

redsteeze Q

Thats what I want. Mike Gravel fillibustering for an hour😅

not funny, because i think most americans due want a substantive debate, its the media and lobbyists who dont want to give it to us

redsteeze onion decides to change format and report most accurate headline ever. MSM should take notice!

Thought this was supposed to be satire

If they wanted interesting things to happen, they shoulda donated to Mike Gravel.

god I can’t wait for the 2020 election

Let's play the probability game.

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