I Hated Myself For Not Being White For Most Of My Life. Here’s How I Stopped.

'I used to hate being Korean. I grew up envying the blond-haired, blue-eyed, skinny white girls on TV and the movies.'

4/7/2021 4:59:00 PM

'I used to hate being Korean. I grew up envying the blond-haired, blue-eyed, skinny white girls on TV and the movies.'

'I distanced myself from other Asians, thinking I had found the solution to all of my problems by aligning myself with white people.'

, similar to flight, fight or freeze. Fawning is when you people-please to diffuse conflict in order to reestablish a sense of safety.I fawned by aiming to please white people and viewing myself the way they saw me. I fawned by laughing off racist jokes, microaggressions, fetishizations, and the repeated belittling of my cultural background and how I look.

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I learned early on that this is what I would have to do to make it through alive. I laughed off countless “open your eyes” jokes and I begged my parents to buy me Lunchables so I wouldn’t have to bring smelly kimchi to school for lunch. A friend once told me I smelled weird, so I became accustomed to spraying myself from head to toe in perfume to mask the smell of Korea whenever I left my house.

I distanced myself from other Asians, thinking I had found the solution to all of my problems by aligning myself with white people, clinging to my proximity to whiteness. Instead of justand my racial trauma, I simultaneously perpetuated and mocked Asian stereotypes and rejected the parts of myself that didn’t fit the white mold. As the saying goes, headtopics.com

if you can’t beat them, might as well join them.model minority myth, designed to pit people of color against each other to uphold white supremacy. I fawned and tried to survive the only way I knew how, by blending in ― only that was never actually possible.

It wasn’t until I got older and I was able to explore my culture outside of my family of origin that I could appreciate these parts of myself that I desperately tried to keep hidden.A few years after college, I felt called back to the motherland. My parents are both from large families, so I had tons of aunts, uncles, cousins and my grandmothers to welcome me with open arms. I was the black sheep in my family of origin and forever othered in America, but in Korea, I was home. For the first time, I saw myself as a Korean would.

Life in Seoul was like heaven to me because I was surrounded by faces that looked like mine. The language that sounded so harsh in America, in Korea felt like an old song I knew all the words to. I felt connected and a sense of belonging that I had never felt in the States. I didn’t have to hate myself anymore.

In Korea, I learned about our painful history and just how muchcolonialism is rooted in racism. I learned about how long we’ve been carrying and passing down this trauma from generation to generation, until it reached me and my family ― the first to make it to the land of opportunity and freedom and have a go at the American dream. headtopics.com

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Courtesy Of Sharon KwonThe author at Gaya Mountain National Park.But the thing about the American dream is that it’s actually only for white people. I learned that during the housing crash of 2008 whenbanks targeted immigrant families, offering them a chance at this elusive dream only to take it all away. My parents lost everything and had to start their lives over again.

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I hate being White. Korean girls are so much cuter. Id swap bodies with you instant. Yet as white person with low income i get no help or assistance, Everyone looks the other way cause im not Black or any other color. Jobs dont want me because i dont meet there racial quota. Being white does does NOT give us more privileges.

Thank the Heavens for your once in a lifetime oppertunity to live on this great platform,and to act out your life. Cut out issues that makes no sense. I can go to Korea right now and say the same things she saying. I'll feel put of place, ill just see nothing but k-pop and people will say I smell like burgers and look weird. All of those things sound like personal problems aside from the racist asshole remarks.

Just another article blaming whites. Sounds like according to this person , Asians should take blame for her self hatred and not the white people. Please stop blaming whites for your mental instability Who said In A Melting Pot “ the SCUM always rises to the top”,? Maybe A Salad ? The ability to step back, look at one's self, re evaluate, re educate, then assimilate. The ability to be human again, can only be human....

Sad for you. I thought John Wayne was America himself. And Indians were enemies of the ppl. Just identify as whatever you want. That how it is now. You wanna be barbie--BAM you now barbie I couldn't believe how many skin whitening ads were on Korean TV, billboards and subway back in 2004 & 2005. it's unfortunate this trend has spread all across Asia.

No one should hate themselves for who they are. How boring would it be if we were all the same? Good people come in all shapes, sizes & colors. We need to stop putting focus on the outsides. We're not meant to be cookie-cutter. Trumps fault. Just don’t get the hype around blondes So stupid!! My kiddo is Eurasian; her Mom is Korean & I'm Canadian (Scot/UK)... She dealt with this, growing up in a smaller, predominantly Anglo town.

I hated being Latino. I grew up with androgynous K-Pop dudes in TV and the movies 😢 Idk about hating myself but a lot of non white children grew up envying that same thing because it was considered to be the epitome of beauty. It poisoned tf outta the mind of the non white child So whom can we blame about that?

Don’t blame society for your lack of self-esteem. That’s your parents fault when you’re a child and your own fault when you’re an adult. Have you ever been to Korea? It’s freakin awesome. The arts and cinema are amazing. Most movies are copies. Busan!! Liberals aren't good at facing reality.