I Didn't Know Why I Was Running Until I Was Forced to Stand Still

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Having a goal helped me cope with trauma. When races were cancelled, I finally learned to heal.

On March 12th, New York went into lockdown. New Jersey was postponed to November, and with it my goal of qualifying for Boston. A lost race was insignificant in the face of the broader toll of the, and yet, I was terrified. With marathon training and most of my usual routine off the table, I had no distractions from the thoughts I had been pushing aside for years. For the first time since I was raped over five years ago, I stopped running.

I signed up for the Queens Marathon intending to break 3:30. But on the morning of the race, I showed up exhausted, coming off a bad cold. Adrenaline pulled me along at a 7-minute pace early on, but by mile 13, my race had deteriorated into a slow, painful walk. I found my friends on the sidelines, slumped down next to them, and watched other runners cross the finish line.

It was only then that I felt what I had lost. Running was once a state in which I fell into my surroundings, following outlets through the trees, stopping to watch life move and breathe in nature. I missed that kind of peace, and I needed it back desperately. For years, I dreaded the holes in my training calendar. My goal races gave me something to focus on, easing my anxiety and giving me a sense of control over my body I believed I had ceded. I was afraid that if I stopped running, I would be forced to face the trauma I had neglected to process for so long. I was afraid to do the work of healing.

 

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