I Carried My Dying Twin to Term -- Even Though I Knew She'd Be Born Without a Brain

TRIGGER WARNING: This post contains information about infant loss, which may be triggering to some.

I was sick all the time, so much so that I ended up in the hospital at six weeks. I had an appointment with my OB at eight weeks, but she agreed to see me early since I wound up in the hospital, dehydrated. I told her my symptoms: nausea, headaches, vomiting, etc. … I had lost 11 pounds in three days! I was sure there was something wrong. We went in for our visit and she did an ultrasound. She said,"Well, there is a reason that you’re feeling this way." And my heart dropped.

My mom had been texting and calling all day wanting to hear about the appointment. By this point, she was getting worried. I called her from the bathroom, where I was hiding from Hannah, sobbing."Is everything OK?," mom asked."No," I simply replied. I couldn’t tell her what was going on, but I told her Camille wouldn’t live and we cried together. That first night, I didn’t sleep a wink -- I researched, and cried, and researched more and thought and wept.

We told Hannah a few days later. At first, she was confused and just said,"So I’ll only have a baby brother??" Once we told her baby Camille would come out of Mommy, but would die and go to heaven very quickly, she said she got mad. She wanted a baby sister. She was fine most of the night, but at bedtime, she came in our room crying. She had a lot of questions and cried about not being able to do Camille’s hair or play with her. She gave me a lovey for her to take to heaven.

We’d been seeing a specialist bi-weekly since we got the diagnosis. At 36 weeks and 6 days, my blood pressure jumped up. The doctor came in."How do you feel about giving birth tomorrow?" I was so terrified, not ready to lose my baby girl; but also excited to meet them both and hold them in my arms. We were told to expect Camille to pass within minutes of birth, if she survived the birth. We went in for a C-section at 7:00 on May 24.

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