‘I Can’t Do This Anymore,’ Think 320 Million Americans Quietly Going About Day

As they commuted to work, performed household tasks, sat around with family and friends, engaged in hobbies, or watched television, each of the 320 million residents of the United States reportedly acknowledged to themselves that they simply could not continue doing any of this, not for a single moment.According to sources, every last member of the nation’s populace further recognized this has gone on for far too long already.

“I can’t keep doing this,” each person in the country reportedly thought while shopping for groceries, replying to emails, sitting through meetings, walking to or from their parking spot, or tucking their children into bed. “Things can’t go on like this. They just can’t.

“Why am I even trying anymore?” thought Minneapolis cashier Sarah Collins, 23, while ringing up the purchase of Walter Nathanson, a 68-year-old retiree who arrived at the exact same conclusion while taking his change, folding it neatly in his wallet, and telling the young woman to have a nice day.

While reactions to the thought were imperceptible to most casual onlookers, an audible exhalation reportedly left the lips of all 320 million of the country’s inhabitants at the exact same time. In addition, the eyes of the entire population are believed to have been cast downward for a brief, simultaneous moment as they each individually concluded that they simply didn’t have it in them to keep this up.

At press time, reports indicated every single person in the country had gritted their teeth and forced their mouth into a resigned smile before moving on with their day.

They are doing it. Don't you see that. What are you doing?

Onions got to real

😩

sir_stride When did you stop being satire?

Lolololol

I thought the onion was satire...

it’s my daily affirmation

This is the saddest bit you’ve ever done

Melancholy.

Have you been saving this one for a special occasion?

Suicide is not a 8 letter word~

quite desperation

No masks 😷

Funny...yet probably sadly true.

As usual, The Onion nails it.

They could run this article every day for every year and only need to occasionally update the population count.

This shit is just too real.

When did you guys stop doing satire?

Some didn’t go quietly about their day yesterday

Your math is wrong. There are 80M Americans who are thinking 'that was awesome!'

me

All except one.

This is from pre-trump presidency too.

Nice to know it's not just me!

convenient timing?

Evergreen headline for the last 4 years.

FYI the article was originally written in august of 2016. It rings truer now than it ever could then.

Man, and all this time I thought was a satirical organization.

Bruh this isn’t even fake this is 100% true

I hate indoor plumbing!

I thought y’all were satire

Fucken eh man.

A rope and your local bridge will solve the problem.

if everyone carries on as normally, don't you think the sociopaths that are elected to office, will do the same? you all should be on a general strike!

Always on point

So do I and I'm not even from there...

Too close onion. Too close.

So true!

Jesus

I think this everyday

RachDiazz

same

Yep, everyday

SmarmyJerkface Damn, parody has become reality.

This is funny.

Make that 320 million and 1

Im not american. Still I can't do this

Tbh 320 isn't the exact number here.

ROBOTCAITLIN this is very good

😂

Hey that's me

just stand up already we dont need these rich assholes anymore we can do bet-

We’re all zombies and robots! Life goes on!

in a radical attempt to avoid censorship, i declare sanity, liberty, equality and freedom from thoughts of other mortals

Yes, but still we trudge along hoping for a better tomorrow.

Truth

А ВЫ ВООБЩЕ НЕ МОЖЕТЕ

this is dead ass correct.

I never thought I’d say this, but you guys are so important

Yeah Yeah.

'How dare you?'

Every day

Get out of my head!!!

Um. The Onion just nailed mind reading, in my case anyway.

I honestly think it's more

That’s reality.

I thought you guys did parody, not factual reporting.

Too real

This tweet is the tennis ball, I'm the baby.

The god damn Nerve!

Not even going about my day and I’m thinking that

Jesus, this is too real.

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