How To Set Boundaries With Your Parents, In-Laws And Kids

“By maintaining flexible boundaries, we can let people into our lives in a way that feels safe and supportive,” says marriage and family therapist Becky Stuempfig.

So how exactly should parents go about setting boundaries with their own parents and in-laws without causing extra strife? HuffPost spoke to Stuempfig and other experts to find out.Before communicating with grandparents, it’s important to have an open conversation with your partner to establish your values as parents and as a family. That way, you can present a united front and a clear message when broaching the issue.

“If your in-laws sense a split between you and your partner, they will triangulate ― meaning put themselves in the middle and place a wedge between you and your spouse,” saidOnce you’ve taken stock of your needs and values, try to have a preemptive conversation with your parents and in-laws rather than wait until issues arise.

Speaking in a gentle, soothing, direct way is more effective and gives the impression that your style of parenting is well-thought-out and has merit. If you’re in an emotional state, try to reason with yourself. If grandparents are dropping by unannounced, parents can kindly request a phone call in advance by saying something like, “We love seeing you guys and would appreciate a phone call before you come over so that we can make sure it’s a good time for our family,” Stuempfig added.

With grandparents who are willing to listen and take feedback, you can set simple, loose guidelines. “Boundaries paradoxically free people up to be themselves because they know the rules and can behave however they want within those parameters,” said Goldsmith. “My mom disciplines my son slightly differently than I do, and I think that’s OK. It just has to be under the same umbrella of what we’ve established is appropriate.

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