Here's How Being Polyamorous Prepared Me For Parenting

In my early 20s, I was passionate about polyamory, or “the practice of having multiple intimate relationships, whether sexual or just romantic, with the full knowledge and consent of all parties involved,”. There were times I had one “primary” partner and other more casual, “secondary” relationships. I was in a triad relationship where the three of us went on dates together and slept in the same bed.

My partner, the free spirit, appreciates having one full day per week when we don’t have anything scheduled so that we can do whatever we want as a family . Our toddler needs to play outside every day or else it’s impossible to put him to sleep. And I need regular alone time to maintain my sanity. When I feel overwhelmed or exasperated with motherhood , I take care of myself. I turn on the TV for the kids so that they’ll leave me alone for 30 minutes so I can write my frustrations down in my journal or take a hot Epsom salt bath. I’ll ask my partner to step in so I can go on a walk through redwood trees, or call my best friend who is always open to hearing me kvetch about something.

There have been times that I’ve felt concerned about the different quality of connection I feel with each of my children, and mourned the loss of those first cuddly, oxytocin-rich years with my daughter. But I also know that our unique relationship has strengths that help me understand her and who she is becoming now, with fewer ties to the younger self she is growing out of.

Understanding jealousy as an onion is enormously helpful in navigating sibling dynamics. I recognize that when my daughter gets jealous of the attention we give to our toddler that it’s not about him or about us as parents. I try to help her peel off the layers of the onion so we can get to the core of her pain and work to heal what’s motivating her feelings of jealousy in the first place.. They affect each of us and have profound effects on our relationships.

I’ve learned that my daughter needs regular one-on-one attention to feel connected. So we schedule 10 minutes a day where she can have focused time with each of us and her brother won’t come in and distract us. When one of us cuddles our toddler for 10 minutes after he wakes up, he then feels ready to peacefully engage with all of us.

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