Half Hour Of Constant Rubbing Somehow Fails To Soothe Irritated Eye

I don’t remember granting the Onion the right to tell my life story

Onions are a proven remedy. Fitting.

kira_xox also happy anniversary!!!!

Me last night. 👁

it’s like weird

31 minutes yes go again

Gotta rub the other way.

oh dear g o d

Foreplay for Mike Pence.

Looks like a young Roger Waters right?

Especially when you have a torn contact in your eye

just like my cock

I know these are satirical but my God , I feel this

Omg ... bacteria ... eww

I was rubbing my eye as I read this

SHUT UP THIS IS HAPPENING TO ME RIGHT NOW

Just maybe, if u remove your finger things might get better.

Tony1015G

It’s a mystery

Palm some 50-grit sandpaper and go to work.

I hate it when that happens.

Did my mom write this article?

it took me 20 years to figure this out

This is literally my life right now

Trial pair of contacts love good rubs

Haha! I’ve been doing that all night. I look like The Terminator now

For best results, make sure to rub eye after touching a public drinking fountain or the door knob of a public entrance to a heavily trafficked building.

1. Are you rubbing the correct eye? 2. Try rubbing for an hour 3. Use bleach, disinfectant or bright lights 4. Have a viagra (men), create a distraction 5. Ask mom to give you a remedy

If you want to call me out then do it to my face and not behind a passive aggressive article

Wait! That's not how you soothe an eye? We've all been doing it wrong now

PDGAreject the Onion wrote an article about you

2020.

Real shit

To preserve an important American icon and bolster support with their base, Ivanka is changing her name to Jemima Trump.

Well, now you tell us! Uuugh.

And no wonder. Wrong eye !

This is me lol

VatFrom

tell me about it.

The Onion is watching me

Lime juice is all you need!

STOP TOUCHING YOUR FACE GORDON HAYWARD

i really hate how you guys always post this one on the exact days i have a sore eye

Fuck, scooped once again by the Onion. I've been working on this story for weeks!

Sounds like the war in Afghanistan...

FAKE NEWS!!! IT WAS GOOD ENOUGH FOR MY GRANDFATHER ITS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME CLASSIC BIASED REPORTING FROM THE FAILING ONION CAPS LOCK BUTTON BROKEN SEND HELP

This is just more Fake News! Everybody knows you have to rub for at least an hour to get all the redness out

That's because he forgot to stare into his a/c and get some air up in there.

This is totally me! CM

Slumdog_Milly not sure if this is satire or just a news site

I consider this a personal attack.

I thought that was due to peppers and hot sauce...Like Ghost Peppers...

FRED?!

me next time coward.

Especially if wearing contact lenses, nothing like a scratched cornea to help soothe the eyeball

But it was the best half hour of the day.....

I am constantly trying to rub one out.

I usually find getting a little sand on the fingers first usually does the trick.

Amen... I mean, I KNOW whenever I do this, I am just making it worse... and yet... still... must... rub!! lol

You aren’t wrong lol

It's either an irritated eye or your eye lashes falling into your eye every 5 min

IK NOW RIGHTG

Me rn

That's because you needed to go for another half hour

You've gotta rub harder.

is that Fred

unbelievable

It me

Really? Maybe try rubbing it longer and use lemon juice to help moisturize

No shit Sherlock. Call the eye doctor.

I thought this was that Fred guy from YouTube

But succeeds in transmitting CoronaVirus...

2 hours**

Try sandpaper instead

DGlaucomflecken

Big if true.

I remember when I did that. My eye got fucking swollen.

Once you start, you cannot stop! 👁

Suddenly I can’t read 👨‍🦯👨‍🦯

Did not rub hard enough

me next time 😒

:(

I blame eyelashes.

He should be using the middle finger.

STOP ATTACKING ME AND MY HAYFEVER

should have washed the habanero sauce of your fingers.

Stop

Hay fever sufferers rise up

i hate this

I reject your facts

OscarNunezLA jstiller

I feel called out

GabeSavage6 :(

lexi_loo22

The fuck, why a picture of Fred?

hey that's me

The worst

ericalcina lmaooooo

So we’re just reporting real stuff now

jonthomasjazz

Stop attacking me — this is the last straw The Onion

damn

[Insert shock face] I didnt know, I say on a sarcastic manner. I love this twitter account

Tell the eye to stop itching, and I won't need to rub it. :P

It's a conspiracy!

this shit makes me jealous from back when i still had eyes

Bruh i scroll to this literally as im rubbing my eye Reported for stalking

mrsaj4

listen shut up

cool patterns though

shut up

What a discovery 😇😇😇 I am off to go tell my wife about this groundbreaking discovery, I can't let her stay in the dark.

Thought it was fr3d

keratoconus

needs more rubbing

Well shit, now you tell me.

i feel attacked

...but makes for some fun fucking visuals!

Still gonna do it tho. Fuck you.

Is that Fred?

Don't confront me with the truth. I'm not ready yet.

I've been seen.

Impossible

Made me almost blind don’t do it

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