Field Of Demography Collapses After 92-Year-Old Woman Buys Monster Energy Drink And Sweet Fusion Vape Juice

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BOSTON—Revealing that they would immediately halt all research and shutter all relevant university programs, representatives from the field of demographic research and analysis announced at a press conference Wednesday that the discipline had completely collapsed when Alice Cromwell, 92, purchased a Monster energy drink and a sweet fusion vape juice over the weekend. “The undeniable fact that an elderly woman premeditatedly and purposefully selected a can of Monster brand Baller’s Blend Punch energy drink and a cartridge of e-liquid has fundamentally disproven the major tenets of this field of study,” said Boston University’s Dr. Laurence Park moments before voluntarily resigning, noting that the nonagenarian’s decision to use Apple Pay for her purchases and then make her way home on a longboard had significantly hastened the collapse of the discipline. “When the data was first reported, we believed this incident was merely a mistake in data collection, but we ultimately realized that this grandmother of four bought these items completely of her own volition after weighing several purchasing options, and basic extrapolation leads us to conclude that everything we have studied for decades has been a lie.” Park added that any hope for the continued existence for the field had evaporated when Cromwell’s purchase of Metamucil turned out to be a gift for her 12-year-old grandson.

 

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This is ME in 2062.

Throws down on the long board down the sidewalk.

And she looks like a douche too.

Just a regular day in Vancouver

and says RuPaul should be president

Demography is OK. She Buys Monster Energy Drink And Sweet Fusion Vape, but she is 22

Lol

I want to know more about the background of the people use in these photos. Did this lady have a 40 year career as a stage actress? Is she a relative of a staff member? Does she have an IMDB PAGE?

yes, bend those stats into a nice happy wave!

Erstwhile a millennial is stirring up a glass of Ovaltine for a Saturday night of Perry Mason.

Hey there grandma kyle

Go grandma!!

Hell yeah granny is rad as fuck

“This could change everything”. JayZ-Super Bowl Halftime Show

....Ann Wimcombe?

had to happen sorry this is science

Way to skew things up, Grandma.

Shit be like that sometimes

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