Family Increasingly Terrified That Ghost Haunting House Might Be Pedophile

  • 📰 TheOnion
  • ⏱ Reading Time:
  • 1 sec. here
  • 2 min. at publisher
  • 📊 Quality Score:
  • News: 4%
  • Publisher: 51%

United States Headlines News

United States Latest News,United States Headlines

LOWELL, MA—Noting the poltergeist had been a little bit too friendly towards their children since they moved in last year, local resident Dean Fischer told reporters Wednesday that his family had become increasingly terrified that the ghost haunting their house might be a pedophile. “At first, it seemed fine, but after a while, we started to suspect that the creepy notes it was leaving on the walls reading ‘I love you’ and ‘Handsome boy’ were not totally normal,” said Fischer, who added that the ghost, which apparently died a grizzly death in 1802, often got defensive and threatened to stab and chop up his wife if they ever got between him and “the boy.” “Yeah, it’s just red flag after red flag. A few weeks ago, we thought he was just a lost, undead spirit trying to make amends for his mistakes in life by giving the kids candy and gifts. But now, it’s pretty clear that this guy is just a sick fucko who stays up all night ‘haunting’ my kids’ bathroom. Believe me: I know what a ghost’s moaning sounds like, and this is definitely sexual.” At press time, Fischer told reporters that he had opted to burn down the house after his children alerted them that the ghost had reportedly hid in a closet and flashed them.

 

Thank you for your comment. Your comment will be published after being reviewed.
Please try again later.

They should give both the Ghost Busters and Chris Hansen a call.

How did they find out

You guys are literally reposting 1 month old stuff

GDemitriusss Get out of these people's house.

This ghost must be the American media!

T

That's actually a horrifying concept

Carful might get you boo t hole

This family should stop being scared. It's very discriminating to not allow pedophiles into today's society. Children need to find a way to support their family like in the old days, and pedophiles could be a big help for that.

Who do you call? Chris Hansen!!!

Lol wtf.. michael jackson is back in action already?!

Lol

smh cancelled :/

Nooooooooooo!

wow that ghost will be shunned

You never know it might be President or ex President too.

Being owned by Disney, while making pedo jokes..... That hit so many levels of not funny.

Rip shanedawson lived a good live 🙏

Because pedophiles can get away with rape while kids are sleeping, I hope this onion headline becomes a real headline on real news MeToo

?

But Shane Dawson is still alive...

Hey Google, call the Ghostbusters

Duh

So sick of these ghost pedophile stories!

Who you gonna call?

😂

💀

O shit, must of been a ghost then!

I love me a good child rape joke!

Let’s continue to normalize pedophilia

Ha

This'll be an interesting one for Chris Hansen

Maybe Epstein did kill himself

lmaoo

uh oh

damn I knew it

Or Black

. She’s 25, idiots

😂😂😂

I've heard they have this same problem in Catholic Church bathrooms.

Eh...

This entire article is blatantly phantasmaphobic and prejudiced toward those who identify as minor-attracted. Reported.

Just yell out “I’m 18!” And it will go away

they should move just to be safe

I mean... If Dan Aykroyd can cop a blowie from a ghost, I suppose you can't rule it out. 🤷

I once had a ghost coming on to me when I was young too. The best solution and only advice I can give is to say I love you and it'll leave a message on the mirror saying read 12:00am. Last message I ever recieved.

justindoble TheBigDubowsky

Worst nightmare

'Pedophiles' are just an urban legend...

i’m close to believing this is real considering we seem to be living in universe...

This is some of your podcast Art, IsaacBD

'grizzly,' though?

We have summarized this news so that you can read it quickly. If you are interested in the news, you can read the full text here. Read more:

 /  🏆 724. in US

United States Latest News, United States Headlines

Similar News:You can also read news stories similar to this one that we have collected from other news sources.

Arbery family lawyer: Feds looking into how case handledA lawyer for Ahmaud Arbery's family says a federal prosecutor told the slain man’s mother that federal officials are investigating possible misconduct by local officials in the case. The U.S. Attorney's office declined to say whether a probe is underway. He should not have ran towards gun. Omg That's right - we're going to find all bigots involved and get them fired! Bill Barr will cover it up
Source: AP - 🏆 728. / 51 Read more »

Area Man So Sick Of Having To Explain Family Members’ Political Views To ThemCANTON, IL—Complaining that their ignorance of their very own beliefs has annoyed him for most of his life, local man Arthur Brody told reporters Wednesday that he was sick of having to explain his family members’ political views to them. “I just get tired of telling my so-called libertarian brother that if he likes the police department and the military and highways, then, guess what, he likes socialism too,” said Brody, 34, adding that he had grown weary of informing his self-described progressive in-laws that their refusal to embrace single-payer healthcare and their support for sending more troops to Afghanistan placed them squarely in the centrist camp. “Everybody else in the family just sits there listening to each other’s opinions, leaving it to me to speak up and let them know what they really stand for. I’m always the one to tell my mother that her views on immigration resemble fascism far, far more than any notion of center-right conservatism, but, of course, I never get a thank-you.” At press time, Brody was no longer in the position of having to explain his family member’s views as they refused to talk to him about politics entirely. Here's how you used to look at things! like in Boise with Rosemom.
Source: TheOnion - 🏆 724. / 51 Read more »

Ahmaud Arbery killing being investigated as federal hate crime, family attorney saysThe shooting death of Ahmaud Arbery in February in Georgia is being investigated as a federal hate crime, his family's lawyer says JusticeforAhmaudArbery FBI please add👇🏾federal (homegrown)Terrorists charges to those federal👆🏼👉🏻HateCrime charges if you haven't done so already. Please & thank you🙌🏽 I'm shocked that Barr is investigating this as a hate crime. If they can drag this thing into federal court, a Trump pardon and some sort of Medal of Freedom is in the offing.
Source: cnnbrk - 🏆 393. / 55 Read more »

Family of Connecticut murder suspect pleads for his surrenderA lawyer for the family of a Connecticut murder suspect pleaded Monday for his surrender as police involved in a multi-state search for the 23-year-old college student circulated a photo of a person matching his description walking along railroad tracks in Pennsylvania He is loose in my area. I’m shooting him on sight. That is the saddest story I've heard in a long time. I hope it ends with no more deaths. Turn yourself in dude. Please retweet, he is now in our area of Pennsylvania. Hearing helicopters in our small town which is highly unusual. He was following railroad tracks which will lead him through various counties.
Source: latimes - 🏆 11. / 82 Read more »

What you need to know about non-medical face masks for the whole familyWhat are non-medical face masks— and who should (and shouldn't) be wearing them? Plus, where to find the right one for you and your family members.
Source: Todaysparent - 🏆 313. / 61 Read more »

Family of Connecticut man wanted as suspect in 2 killings urges him to surrenderThe family of a Connecticut man wanted in connection with two killings is pleading for him to peacefully surrender. Another deviant misguided soul... Well he doesn't look psycho at all...
Source: NBCNews - 🏆 10. / 86 Read more »