UNITED STATES—Throwing their arms up into the air and screaming while frantically sprinting toward every single American border, the entire U.S. police force reportedly fled the country Thursday after hearing that there was a gunman somewhere inside the nation. “Oh my God, run, run for your lives, someone in the United States has a gun,” said Phoenix Police Sgt.
Aaron Philbank, appearing panicked as he urged more than 900,000 sworn law enforcement officers in all 50 states to drop whatever they were doing and escape via foot, car, plane, or boat into either Canada, Mexico, or the Pacific or Atlantic Ocean. “Jesus Christ. This guy could potentially be violent and, at this point, might be anywhere from California to New York. All I know is that I’m getting the hell out of here, and these fuckers are on their own. I didn’t sign up for this shit.
ChipSky123 See like this would get fact checked 😂😂😂😂😂😂
spaceforze Be involved in your local Sheriff elections make sure he's Constitutional as the bare minimum.
Return to greatness! Another one for the books!😍
TheRyanLowery How are you doing
byDavidGardner cbae_bae
PrimoRadical
miserablelib This is the most insightful report on police culture in the US I've ever seen.
AmayaDune 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
thejuanupsman 😂😂😂
HeatherMatarazz The gunman must have been a white kid. Had he been black they would have stormed the building and killed as many black kids they could see to ensure they got the right one. I know the headlines fake but what I typed IS REAL.
samueljtym Then they came back when they heard is was a black kid smh
Then they come running back because they heard tale of an unarmed black woman sleeping in her bed. 😢😢😢
DRAG THEM, ONION. DRAG. THEM.
Has the DNC purchased The Onion?
Dude, but what if the school shooter has a gun? Gotta go 🚶🚶🚶
We wish.
Freaking bulls' eye for The Onion with that one.
If only....
The onion always delivers omg xD
damn i love the onion. i actually fell for one of their articles before LMAO
Literally 1984
They’ll have no problem getting back to setting their speed traps and racial profiling come Monday morning. If only people would remember this, and what police really are. They aren’t here to protect us
If fucking only
Damn that is sad.
Useless. And how will more guns and good guys help, when there are no good guys Americans IQ minus 100.
To be fair they thought the gunman was a Russian. To scary!
CrispyAgitator ..if ONLY... ~~~~~~~~~~ Luv2TheOnion🧅 thx.
So based
Caballa2018
SlavitchMichael How fast they runnin' ? ... like a Texas Ranger from a gunfight
It really is a thin blue line. Like really, really thin. Except when they're kicking in the doors of innocent people, or kicking the shit out of innocent people, or killing innocent people. Then it's a great big thick omnipotent blue line of qualified immunity.
Should we be so lucky
Wait, the Onion decided to make a new 'Active Shooter' article? I wonder if this one will get as much use.
I heard mexican border patrol already ramped up patrols. Public opinion starts discussion picking up Trump's wall building plans
We could only be so lucky
If only.
Stupid. Not satire, not funny. Extremely distasteful. You can and overly privileged white person tweeted this.
Ouch
It was probably for the best.
Spike9151 Qtips Anon.
robertjdenault Water is wet. drsanjaygupta
They didn’t flee the country they were just hiding until the shooter was dead and now they are all back getting all the overtime they can put in for
I hate it when you aren't doing satire.
AnarchoFeline One can only wish.
Probably should told those cowards the shooter was black would of change their mines real quick
If only. 😔
Wife abuse down by 100%
Absolutely perfect article!
W
The way it should be
atomicthumbs god i wish this were real news
SocialismS4A I fucking wish.
Would that it twere
'Only thing that stops a Bad Guy with a Gun is a Badder Guy with a Bigger Gun' -- NRA ad infinitum
Sgt Hambutt reports as ready to arrest uppity parents at school shooting
Popehat They're going to contain the threat from Canada
holy shit this is good
Only good pig is a dead one
Don't give me hope
Forgot the tasered and tackled family trying to help
If only we could be so lucky
Thin blue line made of cellophane. 💯
Lolllllllllllllllllllllll
ChuckWendig From now on when kids play cops and robbers the cops team is going to have wait 40 minutes and then do a press interview with their parents about how they couldn’t have done anything.
What it do, vitamin
Sounds about right.
I don't care if this is parody, the thought of calling the entire U.S. police force cowards is disgusting
StanleyCohenLaw Rare behind the scenes pic of Texas law enforcement training.
next time report an active protest in a school instead of an active shooter
SouthrnGothHick The Onion don’t miss
That’s good
Oh..it’s the onion
KerriMickelsen 🤣🤣
Uuf
Savage.
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