Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
CALDWELL, ID—Calling it a vital part of his daily routine, local man and utterly depraved masochist Richard Petrillo revealed to reporters Friday that he enjoys keeping up with the news.
PAINRELIEFIn the past, sources said, Petrillo only gratified this unsettling need for punishment in the privacy of his own home, where he consults the internet, television, and various news magazines to find out about the world’s most pressing issues. Now, however, he often engages in his perverse behavior publicly, using a smartphone to see what’s currently happening in Syria, Egypt, Greece, Russia, and even North Korea.
“I follow a lot of major news outlets on Twitter so I can check in throughout the day and catch all the updates,” said Petrillo, who reportedly can’t go half an hour without reading the latest headlines, all of which contain explicit details about what is actually happening in the world at this moment, details that sources confirmed only a human being with a sick, psychosexual enjoyment of pain and suffering could possibly derive gratification from. “But on the other hand, I’ll sit in the evening with a copy of
The New Yorkerand read an in-depth article on the situation in Lebanon.”Advertisement“I guess you could say I’m a bit of a news junkie,” added the individual who can apparently read about millions of displaced Syrians before bed and still manage to sleep. headtopics.com
Petrillo went on to add that he enjoys spending his Sunday mornings drinking coffee and reading the newspaper, presumably a horrifying and painful act, yet also a “favorite weekend ritual” that the deviant man seems to get off on.AdvertisementSources confirmed that Petrillo makes no effort whatsoever to conceal his insatiable desire for self-inflicted torment, going so far as to take pride in his familiarity with issues such as America’s distribution of wealth, the latest jobs report, what’s happening in Congress recently, and the nation’s current incarceration rate. In fact, he is reportedly not content with simple masochism, and often spreads the anguish of his knowledge to his fellow citizens.
“Whenever I come across an interesting article online, I like to email it to my friends and try to get a conversation going,” said Petrillo, his voice betraying no shame. “For example, a while back I sent around a story about how hundreds of Rohingya Muslims have been [
omitted for sake of decency] by the Myanmar government. It’s really important stuff, but there’s just not much awareness of the issue.”Advertisement Read more: The Onion »
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