THE HEAVENS—Noting that the deceased billionaire wasted no time after entering into Heaven’s gates, angelic sources confirmed Friday that David Koch immediately launched a far-reaching, fully funded campaign to secure Antonin Scalia a seat in the Holy Trinity. “It’s been far too long since a true conservative like Antonin Scalia ascended to the highest ranks of Heaven and held the title of Divine Person,” said Koch, who, after arriving in the afterlife, reportedly began lobbying prominent Holy Angels and poured cash into conservative Heaven-wide advertising initiatives in order to secure a spot for the former Supreme Court justice to replace the Holy Spirit. “Over the years, Antonin has proved himself to have a strict originalist approach to scripture and God’s commandments, and he is the only logical choice to get Heaven back on track. This is the first step of many to ensure that one day, the Holy Trinity has a conservative majority.” At press time, sources had reported that David Koch had joined a coalition of prominent conservative Saints to begin grooming Neil Gorsuch for a position as a hypostasis when he dies.Advertisement Read more: The Onion
Too late Depressing Onion, you’re the best! Actually, Scalia's reserved seat is the hot one in the lower level:👇🔥 Now the other. Do it again please . koch ClimateDebate Hahahahahaha 😂🤣😂🤣 Why pay for something you already have? Good riddance. Just sitting here waiting for the rest of his ilk to follow suit
Billionaire industrialist and conservative donor David Koch dies at age 79Billionaire industrialist David Koch , a driving force behind conglomerate Koch I... Money is really the root of all evil, death is the ultimate equalizer. Ding dong Damn! Prayers for his family in this time of need.
MichaelLeahy26 I was waiting on the Onion's response to the news. Pretty good. Didn't disappoint It is interesting how many people that rode on the Epstein's Lolita Express are turning up DEAD. Satan worshipping can be very dangerous to ones health just ASK RGB It's all for the good of Trump's economy in the end
and he also used his background in helping communities thrive into oblivion. Scalia supported the notion that theres a natural right to self defense, dude was all about liberty and individual freedom, fuck you pieces of shit. So by that notion i guess Stalin is in heaven for killing millions of political dissidents.
will next appear as shrimp at bottom of ocean 🤣🤣🤣 May they all soon join hands !! TweetOfSpirit_ Sounds good to me Onions!
David Koch, industrialist who funded conservatives, dies at 79 David Koch , the industrialist and libertarian who used his fortune to transform American politics while also donating more than $1 billion to philanthropic causes, has died. “Libertarian” THIS is the summary of his life? He was a POS excuse for a human LA Times who's side you on LMFAO
They’re not all diamonds Onion. Such a Waste. Scalia Doesn't Have That Kind of Clout Yet. Amazing 2 out of 8 Pretty sure where he and Scalia are they’re wearing SPF 6,000,000. Holy Mackerel! Bruh. What's the holy ghost ever done? Pretty sure Heaven is not where either of them ends up.
Billionaire industrialist David Koch has diedBillionaire industrialist David Koch , a former executive vice president of congl... Nothing of value was lost.... No doubt will have the nicest mansion in hell. And Satan calls another one home...
David Koch, billionaire conservative donor, dies at 79 David Koch , who retired as executive vice president of Koch Industries in 2018, was diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer 27 years ago. THIS MAKES ME HAPPY Amazing how people are trying to spin this as a loss for the right. He and his brother were anti-Trump and supported RINOs in Congress. The left lost a longtime asset today. Too bad money can’t buy, even one minute of live.
Billionaire conservative icon David Koch dies at 79Billionaire conservative icon David Koch has died at 79, a year after stepping down from the Koch Industries. womp womp Good
David Koch, Billionaire Conservative Donor, Dies at 79Together with his older brother, Charles, the Kochs were best known for a vast political network they built that became popularly known as the 'Kochtopus' for its far-reaching tentacles in support of conservative causes. 🥳 What. A. Shame. Enjoy Hell. Enjoy Hell......