David Koch, Death, Antonin Scalia, Religion, Vol 55 Issue 34

David Koch, Death

David Koch Pumps Billions Of Dollars Into Campaign To Secure Antonin Scalia A Seat In The Holy Trinity

David Koch Pumps Billions Of Dollars Into Campaign To Secure Antonin Scalia A Seat In The Holy Trinity

23.8.2019

David Koch Pumps Billions Of Dollars Into Campaign To Secure Antonin Scalia A Seat In The Holy Trinity

THE HEAVENS—Noting that the deceased billionaire wasted no time after entering into Heaven’s gates, angelic sources confirmed Friday that David Koch immediately launched a far-reaching, fully funded campaign to secure Antonin Scalia a seat in the Holy Trinity. “It’s been far too long since a true conservative like Antonin Scalia ascended to the highest ranks of Heaven and held the title of Divine Person,” said Koch, who, after arriving in the afterlife, reportedly began lobbying prominent Holy Angels and poured cash into conservative Heaven-wide advertising initiatives in order to secure a spot for the former Supreme Court justice to replace the Holy Spirit. “Over the years, Antonin has proved himself to have a strict originalist approach to scripture and God’s commandments, and he is the only logical choice to get Heaven back on track. This is the first step of many to ensure that one day, the Holy Trinity has a conservative majority.” At press time, sources had reported that David Koch had joined a coalition of prominent conservative Saints to begin grooming Neil Gorsuch for a position as a hypostasis when he dies.

Advertisement Read more: The Onion

Too late Depressing Onion, you’re the best! Actually, Scalia's reserved seat is the hot one in the lower level:👇🔥 Now the other. Do it again please . koch ClimateDebate Hahahahahaha 😂🤣😂🤣 Why pay for something you already have? Good riddance. Just sitting here waiting for the rest of his ilk to follow suit

Billionaire industrialist and conservative donor David Koch dies at age 79Billionaire industrialist David Koch , a driving force behind conglomerate Koch I... Money is really the root of all evil, death is the ultimate equalizer. Ding dong Damn! Prayers for his family in this time of need.

MichaelLeahy26 I was waiting on the Onion's response to the news. Pretty good. Didn't disappoint It is interesting how many people that rode on the Epstein's Lolita Express are turning up DEAD. Satan worshipping can be very dangerous to ones health just ASK RGB It's all for the good of Trump's economy in the end

and he also used his background in helping communities thrive into oblivion. Scalia supported the notion that theres a natural right to self defense, dude was all about liberty and individual freedom, fuck you pieces of shit. So by that notion i guess Stalin is in heaven for killing millions of political dissidents.

will next appear as shrimp at bottom of ocean 🤣🤣🤣 May they all soon join hands !! TweetOfSpirit_ Sounds good to me Onions!

David Koch, industrialist who funded conservatives, dies at 79 David Koch , the industrialist and libertarian who used his fortune to transform American politics while also donating more than $1 billion to philanthropic causes, has died. “Libertarian” THIS is the summary of his life? He was a POS excuse for a human LA Times who's side you on LMFAO

They’re not all diamonds Onion. Such a Waste. Scalia Doesn't Have That Kind of Clout Yet. Amazing 2 out of 8 Pretty sure where he and Scalia are they’re wearing SPF 6,000,000. Holy Mackerel! Bruh. What's the holy ghost ever done? Pretty sure Heaven is not where either of them ends up.

Billionaire industrialist David Koch has diedBillionaire industrialist David Koch , a former executive vice president of congl... Nothing of value was lost.... No doubt will have the nicest mansion in hell. And Satan calls another one home...

David Koch, billionaire conservative donor, dies at 79 David Koch , who retired as executive vice president of Koch Industries in 2018, was diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer 27 years ago. THIS MAKES ME HAPPY Amazing how people are trying to spin this as a loss for the right. He and his brother were anti-Trump and supported RINOs in Congress. The left lost a longtime asset today. Too bad money can’t buy, even one minute of live.

Billionaire conservative icon David Koch dies at 79Billionaire conservative icon David Koch has died at 79, a year after stepping down from the Koch Industries. womp womp Good

David Koch, Billionaire Conservative Donor, Dies at 79Together with his older brother, Charles, the Kochs were best known for a vast political network they built that became popularly known as the 'Kochtopus' for its far-reaching tentacles in support of conservative causes. 🥳 What. A. Shame. Enjoy Hell. Enjoy Hell......



Live Updates: Harvey Weinstein Is Found Guilty of Rape

Katherine Johnson, famed NASA mathematician and inspiration for the film 'Hidden Figures,' is dead at 101

Katherine Johnson Dies at 101; Mathematician Broke Barriers at NASA

Harvey Weinstein is found guilty of criminal sex act and rape

New Sympathetic Alarm Clock Just Lets You Sleep

Biden Begging Donors To Stop Sending Money So He Can Quit Race

Katherine Johnson, NASA mathematician depicted in 'Hidden Figures,' dead at 101

Write Comment

Thank you for your comment.
Please try again later.

Latest News

News

23 August 2019, Friday News

Previous news

We Imprison Hideo Kojima In An Interview Room Until He Breaks Down And Admits He’s Just Making Shit Up As He Goes Along

Next news

All the Ways Brittany Runs a Marathon Starring Jillian Bell Shows the Reality of Weight Loss
Harvey Weinstein Found Guilty of Rape in New York City Trial Vanessa Bryant Files Wrongful Death Lawsuit Against Helicopter Co., Pilot Harvey Weinstein verdict live updates: Guilty on 2 counts Harvey Weinstein Found Guilty Of Rape, But Acquitted Of Most Sexual Assault Charges Harvey Weinstein Guilty: Jury Convicts Him of Rape, Criminal Sexual Act A heat wave in Antarctica melted 20% of an island's snow in 9 days Katherine Johnson, NASA Mathematician And An Inspiration For 'Hidden Figures,' Dies A Timeline of the Weinstein Case Weinstein convicted of sexual assault, rape, in milestone verdict for #MeToo movement Coronavirus spreads outside China, but 'world in Wuhan's debt' for its actions: WHO Harvey Weinstein Guilty of Sexual Assault and Third-Degree Rape, Acquitted on Other Charges Time’s Up Calls Harvey Weinstein Guilty Verdict a ‘New Era of Justice’
Live Updates: Harvey Weinstein Is Found Guilty of Rape Katherine Johnson, famed NASA mathematician and inspiration for the film 'Hidden Figures,' is dead at 101 Katherine Johnson Dies at 101; Mathematician Broke Barriers at NASA Harvey Weinstein is found guilty of criminal sex act and rape New Sympathetic Alarm Clock Just Lets You Sleep Biden Begging Donors To Stop Sending Money So He Can Quit Race Katherine Johnson, NASA mathematician depicted in 'Hidden Figures,' dead at 101 BTS’ ‘Map of the Soul: 7’: Album Review 'Guilty as charged': Schumer admits to spending over $8,600 on cheesecake Harvey Weinstein Venice Carnival to be halted due to coronavirus outbreak Car drives into carnival crowd in Germany