David Koch Pumps Billions Of Dollars Into Campaign To Secure Antonin Scalia A Seat In The Holy Trinity

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THE HEAVENS—Noting that the deceased billionaire wasted no time after entering into Heaven’s gates, angelic sources confirmed Friday that David Koch immediately launched a far-reaching, fully funded campaign to secure Antonin Scalia a seat in the Holy Trinity. “It’s been far too long since a true conservative like Antonin Scalia ascended to the highest ranks of Heaven and held the title of Divine Person,” said Koch, who, after arriving in the afterlife, reportedly began lobbying prominent Holy Angels and poured cash into conservative Heaven-wide advertising initiatives in order to secure a spot for the former Supreme Court justice to replace the Holy Spirit. “Over the years, Antonin has proved himself to have a strict originalist approach to scripture and God’s commandments, and he is the only logical choice to get Heaven back on track. This is the first step of many to ensure that one day, the Holy Trinity has a conservative majority.” At press time, sources had reported that David Koch had joined a coalition of prominent conservative Saints to begin grooming Neil Gorsuch for a position as a hypostasis when he dies.

 

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Too late

Depressing

Onion, you’re the best!

Actually, Scalia's reserved seat is the hot one in the lower level:👇🔥

Now the other. Do it again please

. koch ClimateDebate

Hahahahahaha 😂🤣😂🤣

Why pay for something you already have?

Good riddance. Just sitting here waiting for the rest of his ilk to follow suit

MichaelLeahy26

I was waiting on the Onion's response to the news. Pretty good. Didn't disappoint

It is interesting how many people that rode on the Epstein's Lolita Express are turning up DEAD. Satan worshipping can be very dangerous to ones health just ASK RGB It's all for the good of Trump's economy in the end

and he also used his background in helping communities thrive into oblivion.

Scalia supported the notion that theres a natural right to self defense, dude was all about liberty and individual freedom, fuck you pieces of shit. So by that notion i guess Stalin is in heaven for killing millions of political dissidents.

will next appear as shrimp at bottom of ocean

🤣🤣🤣

May they all soon join hands !!

TweetOfSpirit_

Sounds good to me Onions!

They’re not all diamonds Onion.

Such a Waste. Scalia Doesn't Have That Kind of Clout Yet.

Pretty sure where he and Scalia are they’re wearing SPF 6,000,000.

2 out of 8

Amazing

What's the holy ghost ever done?

Bruh.

Holy Mackerel!

Pretty sure Heaven is not where either of them ends up.

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