‘Damn You’ Shouts Contact Tracer Losing Track Of Coronavirus After It Catches Hold Of Helicopter’s Ladder

LOS ANGELES— Shaking his first from the roof of an office building, contact tracer Calvin Rosen reportedly shouted “Damn you” Friday after losing track of the coronavirus after it caught hold of a passing helicopter’s ladder.

“Son of a bitch, I’ll track you down one day!” said Rosen, who threw his mask to the ground in anger and pulled out a walkie-talkie while watching the virus he thought he had finally cornered ascend to safety inside the unmarked military chopper. “I lost it! Dammit. Put out an APB! And hurry! We’re going to head that bastard off on the interstate. I’m going to show him he’s not the only one that can go airborne.

This is almost as absurdly hilarious as the general 'virus' narrative itself. Almost.

I love that the first sentence has the words 'shiking his first' lmfao what a typo

COVID is looking swole... someone has been hitting the gym

Oh Onion. Rough day?

smod4real *Mission Impossible Theme Song Intensifies*

It’s Marine 1!

Tadgho78

I love being able to read headlines like this and make amazing assumptions without fear of being wrong for never reading the article!!

DNA covid19 tracing indicates more similarities than differences between races, ethnicity, and economic status...curses SARS cov2!

Should’ve called MacGuyver...

I’d watch that movie

mattdpearce I feel so bad for The Onion... Compared to the Red Wedding in the Rose Garden this is like a Saturday morning cartoon

Get to the chopper!!

I'd watch 3 whole hours of a secret agent Coronavirus action movie

John Kerry style.

thats sad man

bye_wig

KingslyFishao blhack octobadger1

😂🤣😂 Icantstandyall

Coronavirus flipping the double bird as it flies away....

The Rock would have pulled that chopper down with his bare hands.

Is Ben Shapiro writing an action novel for you guys?

Makes about as much sense as the ridiculous job these contract tracers are trying to do.

No roll over on your back and empty your gun into the air because...*plot twist* you actually love coronavirus!

It's funny because it's true

I thoUght tHe oniOn Was sAtiRe?

theluma

He woulda had it too if it hadn't been for that meddling chopper!

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