Covid Announces Plan To Move Operations To Texas Full-Time To Escape Burdensome Regulations

📆 4/6/2021 9:50 PM
📰 TheOnion

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AUSTIN, TX—Bemoaning the bureaucratic red tape that had been holding it back for the past year, the Covid-19 virus announced Thursday that it would move its operation to Texas full-time to escape burdensome regulations. “Shifting my operation to Texas will give me the freedom to spread my wings and grow this pandemic in ways that are impossible in blue states,” said the coronavirus molecule, adding that it had been especially heartened by the governor’s recent decision to cut away unnecessary regulations like dining restrictions and mask mandates. “Obviously, I appreciate everything California and New York have done to help me—especially when I was just starting out. It’s just been hard watching liberal legislators pile on cumbersome restrictions despite, frankly, having no idea how to build a pandemic. Those regulations really hurt small virus particles. The Lone Star State has been nothing but welcoming to me, and I’m thrilled to call it my new home.” At press time, Covid-19 had celebrated its move with a raucous night hanging out in the atmosphere of local favorite restaurant Trudy’s North Star.\n

AUSTIN, TX—Bemoaning the bureaucratic red tape that had been holding it back for the past year, the Covid

-19 virus announced Thursday that it would move its operation to Texas full-time to escape burdensome regulations. “Shifting my operation to Texas will give me the freedom to spread my wings and grow this pandemic in ways that are impossible in blue states,” said the coronavirus molecule, adding that it had been especially heartened by the governor’s recent decision to cut away unnecessary regulations like dining restrictions and mask mandates.

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HackinTimSeeley I dont get it.

Lmao

I guess Covid could not handle spring break in Florida.

You’re my reason for being on Twitter. Thank you.

i knew damn near right that covid was manufactured by a company! fuck china! fake FuckChina MAGA 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸

HNTurtledove 'Florida reportedly furious at snub. Gov. Noem of South Dakota boasts of progress made in state.'

⬇️⬇️

more space to roam on the range

Wait till it sees the guns.

Nooo don't come here

It’s just going where the jobs are🤣

Yep, seems right

GovAbbott is just trying to make sure we are all dead. It’s in the Republican platform.

Lol, this cracked me so bad 😂

Thought Florida was a lock.

Take Me out to the ole ball game ⚾️

Pretty shocking considering its Communist background 🤔🤷🏾‍♂️

Texas to hold 'Make COVID Great Again' Welcome Party in AT&T Stadium to welcome COVID & the 1000's of first responder jobs that it will bring in. 'Not only will it be great for our economy, but it will also clear millions in pension payments sooner' says Gov Abbot

No difference whatsoever. Covid HQ says they already lost their sense of taste with their country music

GovAbbott GregAbbott_TX tedcruz JohnCornyn 😆

Remember when the onion was funny? TheBabylonBee so much better now

ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah...I'm dead.

going to call it self the triple mutated strain so as not to be confuse with the media mentioned double mutated strain.

Texas, where our positivity rate and hospitalization rate are dropping week after week 👍🏻

Good luck Texass

Elon Musk approves this message

FrancisSuarez you can fight this

Covid confirmed libertarian

Brilliant!

This is a masterpiece, Onion.

COVID's also a baseball fan so that should work out nicely

Yeah more covid propaganda yay!

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