SIOUX FALLS, SD—In a major breakthrough that could completely alter the course of the global pandemic, the coronavirus confirmed Monday that it was optimistic a new mutation would be widely available to the public by early spring. “We’ve been working diligently over the past nine months to develop this new strain as quickly as possible, and we’re pleased to share that
trials have been an overwhelming success,” said a spokesperson for Covid-19, who stated the general public could expect to see first cases rolled out to healthcare workers and other vulnerable populations as early as December. “Normally the development and distribution of something like this would take years, but thanks to a concerted national effort, we’ve been able to work at a breakneck speed.
Will it be locally sourced? I want mine to be organic.
I see The Onion's taken to prophecies now
THANK YOU , CHINA. YOU MUST REALLY LOVE AMERICA ?
Is that a sarcasm?
What happened to the satire?
If Coronavirus can get its shit together this year, why can't we?
Nice good job!
Fortunately I don't believe in evolution
It’s in public beta.
Y'know, they always SAY that, but if we're being realistic I think we all know all the crowdfunding in the world won't get Covid-21 out until mid-July at the earliest. And that's IF they don't decide to push it all the way back to November to hit the Christmas/Black Friday rush.
The Onion is close to the truth
How about sending it on a fully paid vacation to another planet?
Bad joke
Twario14 New Movie COVID-21: LETHAL VIRUS 2021 Full Movie - Set it to Automatic Translation
Shit
I love how satire sets off more political mumbo-jumbo instead of being enjoyed for what it is. Keep it up Onion. We need you!
Haha. toosoon
Open-sourced so that it ll be equally available for everyone))
ZNovetsky
Pres elect Joe Biden promises his administrations full cooperation by opening up schools & businesses. Now that Trump is gone, Democrats are gonna want to show that the economy is again up and running. Something they adamantly opposed under Trump, due to cough(Covid)cough concern
so can everybody rename 'co vid' to 'go get?'
Together we can do it. Sanitize your face, wear gloves and sneeze and cough out loud.
currently sick with it already, hopefully this entitles me to a free upgrade
Operation Warp Death
Let's just hope it's not rushed and they deliver a quality virus
Finally a competent administration
this is brilliant news and 90% more catchable with instant death a possibility
But wait! THERE’S MORE!
Can it be taken externally?
shaikhamuhareb 🤣🤣🤣🤣
MSM readies new 'Summer Of Death' semi-documentary which attempts to predict the 2021 Summer Season in which 187 new Corona strains infect damn near everyone, except people over 65 years old... CompoundBoss LandauDave attell
There’s like 1 person left at the Onion just knocking them out.
The Onion needs to hire new writers to keep up with reality.
just in time for allergy season. awesome! cant wait
✅
first
So, will the contagious trait be nerfed in the corona 12.1.21 update? Newer players are far too susceptible to the virus and they’re having a hard time making it past level 18, plus on the other end, veteran players who joined before the disease update don’t have immunity plsfix
Amazing, can't wait for the demo!!
cameron_kasky It looks like a Bokay of something for the liberal democrats.
DJSnM But its already spring... in south hemisphere... it means...
This one will REALLY take your breath away. 😷
Speaking as a covid survivor, thank you for vocalizing my darkest fears, you bunch of irredeemable clowns!
put some salt on it it will die put some vinegar on it probably will die wash hands normally with HOT water soap ...no bacteria... agent orange hand sanitizer ie people who do not wash their hands... this comes to into your being... out of touch with reality Earth Creator
a whole lot of mulah spent to control the People... and what of all the other natural ways people live or die...? total BS bioengineered intentional Contagion for the hypochondriacs manipulating Earth to no longer support Life...
igeldard ... because it's a strain of flu...
Finally, I’m starting to notice some bugs with beta version.
Idk why I’m responding seriously to an Onion tweet but I think I’ve read that the mRNA vaccines make mutations easier to handle
Coronavirus's goth girlfriend is looking pretty hot actually
And it's also:
If you liked COVID-19, you’re going to love COVID-20.
DJSnM Of which strain? 'Side shift' mutations are very common, the rarer and possibly more dangerous ones are the zoonotic mutations.
DJSnM Some people got early access. Lucky bastards!
I hope they call this one 'Coronavirus: the Vengeancing'
poggers
thatt3slaguy jennalea73
For after smiling:
Will this mutation magically disappear when the weather gets warm and a person drinks bleach and sticks a light up their ass? Just checking. Also, as usual, you guys are keepin' it classy!
Coronavirus optimistic ...😂 probably 100% true
Area Coronavirus Laughs Evilly While Proclaiming That Puny Humans Have Yet To Witness Its Final Form
I swear if I see a mink its getting belted
cameron_kasky oof
Come on baby! Hopefully it's around those cool spikes which our vaccines are targeting.
'Coronavirus wishes to thank the Trump administration by naming the new Covid-19 strand after Trump.' 😉
It's like a new iPhone just got announced
More bullshit on the way, just change the colour of the fluffy Pom Pom ball and it’s another strain 🤣🤣🤣
i hope they patch where it only really effects older people!
Ok.... Now, No Doubt, 2021 will be a sequel to 2020, AND we all know about 'Sequels' right ?!?! :P
so the onion just posts regular news now
good, I was getting bored of the current one! hopefully this one is more personal!!
T-there's more sides to this story.
It's already Spring here what do I do? Am I a beta tester?
This really isn’t humorous. You can do better.
If we are lucky it’s effective rate will be much improved.
smh
never underestimate its grind /hussle
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