Consulting Firm Recommends Keeping Consulting Firm On For 6 More Months

📆 7/7/2020 1:20 PM
📰 TheOnion

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ASHEVILLE, NC—In a lengthy report laying out recommendations it described as absolutely essential to its client’s future success, consulting firm Hewitt Lord Advisors suggested Tuesday that a business keep the consulting firm on for six more months. “After reviewing the numbers, we can say with confidence that retaining the services of Hewitt Lord Advisors should be your top priority for the next two quarters,” the report from Hewitt Lord Advisors read in part, adding that the consulting firm furthermore recommended the business double the amount it was currently paying the consulting firm in order to optimize results going forward. “While our projections for your firm remain optimistic, they are dependent on your continuing to compensate us through December, at least. It’s clear from the information we’ve gathered that not renewing your contract with us would have potentially devastating consequences for your bottom line, especially considering that our in-depth analysis of your strategic spending indicates you need us to conduct additional analyses of your strategic spending immediately. You could also realize our heightened revenue projections by setting aside more cash for your next contract with us, as 2021 is certain to bring with it new challenges for your firm and new fees from ours.” The report went on to suggest several ways the client could free up funds to spend on the consulting firm, such as cutting staff benefits and laying off several dozen employees.

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I got so used to false alarms due to Trump daily tweets, I totally forgot about The Onion. Sorry.

Oops...rolled through my Twitter feed too fast before I realized this was satire. My bad. 😏

Did a consultant ever fix anything ever ? Didn’t think so.

Will setting aside more money for the consulting firm will make them lazy, and not willing to go back to work?

This is literally how it works.

Ha!

trinaannamae

This can’t be the onion... it hits too close to home here

As a former consultant, this cuts close to the bone

And they would fire someone for not making that recommendation.

You just gave away the secret of every business school

I’ve been consulting corona to see if it’s worth getting or not

The McKinsey business model.

colincampbell This isn’t the Onion, it’s real life.

DahiiBhalla

'This is not the time to make crazy choices like going with our competitors.'

Good strategy really

Me when I finally start a consulting business 😂

Shit, this is exactly how the Australian LNP Party works!! Many things said in jest huh!!👍🤯

Love it Onion

This is what PeteButtigieg did for a living before politics

So they can do stuff

😂 convenient

luanacrfreitas

Did anyone consult with The Bobs on this?

Better have another consulting firm do a year-long study on that 6 month recommendation...

ILCallaway Only 6? They're slipping!

So that's how it works.

MyshkinFool shazzar1104 one for your team here 😂

azizaazul

Assuming a linear theory of time, that's 12 months less than will actually be needed. But, of course, as a consultant, I can bend time, but will need another 6 months to do that.

This is not parody. This is exactly how it works.

From despairinc

As far as they’ve explained, they haven’t let me down yet.

I don't see the satire, .

'consulting firm on million dollar contract recommends job cuts'

Lol.. gainful employment

curious_twitt brianLG95303116

And bump up to the Platinum Package, worth every cent.

that Mayor Pete advice

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