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Conservative Militia Group Prepares For Societal Collapse By Training As Hairstylists, Nail Technicians

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GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Training night and day in an abandoned strip mall complex, a conservative militia group has been preparing for societal collapse by training as hairstylists, nail technicians, and cosmetologists, sources confirmed Wednesday. “When the shit hits the fan, we’ll be the ones who are ready to take care of ourselves with the latest hair colors, nail applications, and specialized skin-care treatments,” militia member Wayne Donnell, 54, said as he drilled a group of children, some as young as 7, in the basics of administering a seaweed body wrap. “We’re actively recruiting tanning bed operators to join the fight, and we’re stockpiling styling gel so we’ll have something to barter after the dollar flatlines. Of course, we also have a bunker full of diesel generators, which are crucial if you want to be able to operate hair dryers and curling irons off the grid. I’d advise others to do likewise. If you and every member of your family can’t at least execute a decent mani-pedi, then brother, there ain’t gonna be much hope for you under the New World Order.” Donnell went on to state that those who failed to prepare for the fall of society had better not come crying to him when they needed a Brazilian blowout.

 

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Can we make ourselves a world where The Onion is satire again

These fine people would lay down their lives to defend their right to bear curling irons.

Customer seems to enjoy his cannon.

James Brown did the original boogaloo

Self care is important during times of chaos👍

Especially good with mullets?

If only these white supremacists actually did something useful instead of blaming women and POC for their poverty and problems when the incompetent fascists in power and their supporters are directly responsible for this mess.

Thank you for still being here, despite that satire/reality line getting awfully blurry

Funny, but I don’t think we can trust these plastic warriors not to run with their scissors

Wish y’all would make an article to get my racist aunt to stop sending me racist bullshit.

They’re calling it ‘Merkins...

You can't let a good Boogaloo stop you gettin those highlights

Nitinol Scissors and camouflage dye jobs

I love how you can see he was holding a rifle lmao

It’s the only way the InCel-type virgins will get a chance to touch a woman’s hair and fingers 🤷🏾‍♂️

Lolz

KyngAquarius lmaoooo 😂😂

Nah, that means a lot of them would have to work with Vietnamese people. They would never; they don't have that kind of integrity.

How do I book an appointment?

I'd do her hair for free....

Anything to get them out of their mom's basement.

Kyle Schwarber, is that you? kschwarb12

Fits them nicely

Smart! Ahead of the game

The Musical has started . . to march

RELATED: Conservative Militia Group Announces Mandatory Universal 'Skin Head' Hair Cut After Taking Power. Electric razor industry explodes on announcement

Easy enough. They only have two haircuts. 90s glamour shot perms and hair spray bangs for the women. “Officer small d*cks” (high and tights) for the men.

Dreams of one day opening his own little shop and call it Odin's Boys Grooming and Ammo

There’s a lot going on in that header

But not front line grocery store workers... Fucking cowards.

Who's going to be the one saying why isn't onion satire anymore

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