There’s a story that I need to tell, and I know that it’s one that my family should hear first.
It happened at a time when I had so much to celebrate. This column was launching and the podcast I created,was entering production. But my self-esteem was caving in. I began to doubt that I was the protagonist in my own story. I felt an obligation to be happy and was ashamed I couldn’t meet it. I was posing in photos and videos to help promote the podcast when all I wanted was to disappear.
In my journals I see myself grasping for the words to describe it. In 2012, I wrote that depression is when the power of your despair equals the power of your will. Then it was like suffering a dislocation of the ego, or “a slow and spreading numbness.” In one entry I compared my body to an inconveniently large piece of carry-on luggage. Last year I felt like a video game with a broken controller — I mash the buttons but my character on the screen never moves.
I worked very hard to hide my sadness from you. Before visits, I would get a fresh haircut, buy new clothes and go on a diet. I’d always drink a lot of coffee before coming over so that my smiles would be more believable. At the dinner table I’d speak loudly of my achievements and successes. My visits were always short because I couldn’t keep up the act for long.
God bless you. If you hide it, parents cannot help.
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