Cockroaches Feeling Very Optimistic About Future Of Planet
NEW YORK—Declaring that their outlook is as hopeful as it’s been in decades, an overwhelming majority of the world’s cockroaches said in a poll released Thursday by the Pew Research Center that they felt “highly optimistic” about the future of the planet.
“It just puts my mind at ease to know my hundreds of kids are going to inherit a planet where they can thrive and where they can one day deposit their own egg cases without worrying.”Advertisement“With everything that’s been happening in the world, I just can’t help but be encouraged,” said a 6-month-old brown-banded cockroach from a Queens, NY, bathtub drain, adding that with the stakes as high as they are, it was a relief that so much progress was being made. “These days, it seems like there’s always another bit of news about carbon emissions, water quality, or nuclear proliferation that cockroaches can get excited about, not to mention the fact that the alley right outside has dumpsters with enough half-eaten takeout to guarantee we’ll never go hungry.”
“It just puts my mind at ease to know my hundreds of kids are going to inherit a planet where they can thrive and where they can one day deposit their own egg cases without worrying,” she added.Across species, cockroaches offered robust support for prevailing trends in environmental policy, with 86 percent expressing enthusiasm for technologies such as fracking and open-pit mining, 81 percent praising the growing demand for disposable consumer goods, and 84 percent saying they were happy with the amount of industrial runoff in ground soil. Another 4 percent reportedly skittered away beneath a baseboard crevice before answering any questions.
The survey also noted an unusually dramatic shift in cockroach attitudes in just the past year, with optimism about the planet’s future plummeting after the Paris climate agreement was signed last April, but then suddenly rebounding to an all-time high by the second week in November.
Advertisement“Even though progress hasn’t always been smooth, I’m more and more confident that the planet is on the right track and that roaches are going to be okay,” said a 7-week-old German cockroach from a Minneapolis-area pile of decaying leaves. “And don’t forget, this just doesn’t happen on its own. It’s because of the prudent decisions that are being made by world leaders as we speak.”
“They have my complete faith,” he added. “I know they’ll do what’s best for us.” Read more: The Onion »
jjjinvesting What the .....🤣🤣🤣 Perfect 🤣 One of the funniest headlines I’ve seen. They know where Baby Yoda's body is Cockroaches, poison ivy, onion grass, Lyme tics...they’re in for the long haul. Bullshit. There's no way to tell what emotion animals have Hope they know the radioactivity thing about them is just a myth.
Uh oh Well at least someone is Cockroaches can survive a nuclear blast... Oh no, this is one of those satirical predictions again. If The Onion is saying this now, something definitely bad is going to happen... I'm sure they're happily reading clickholes articles(hopefully the older ones) Damn, the Onion can’t be killed!
Sometimes I gotta feel bad for killing them... Hopefully the lord of the roaches will be a kind a gentle leader, who will only eat half of his spawn. Thank you for that photo and my forthcoming sleepless night. Never understood their infatuation with boxes unfollowed And serving in Congress Well at least one species is.
So the GOP is celebrating... OrangeBowlBoys and ibToast here you go the world will be ok I love this Awesome!😁👍 matthwatson semibogan Their planet yes we are... playing the long game is paying off... rare blow against TheBabylonBee get funny again or die Why not? They're up 12 points in Iowa. 😂 At least somethings excited.
im happy for them It would seem so yeah have actually seen a couple in the house only in last few days its concerning Finally If one of those bastards starts flying I'm getting the flame thrower. good for them That's great ! ya How would we know though? They can't tell us. This is SO stupid! Until we have to eat them all.
They are also welcomed guests of realDonaldTrump at Trump’s Doral National resort. Also known as the Trump Roach Motel. The meek shall inherit.... Didn’t specify which species. Most African leaders are their relatives. Roaches control the world. That’s too bad man I’m already conducting a cockroach genocide
Shit I can't find the Cockroach dancing gif oh fuck Plenty of dead bodies to feed off of 😂 You misspelled GOP. “It just puts my mind at ease to know my hundreds of kids are going to inherit a planet where they can thrive and where they can one day deposit their own egg cases without worrying,” said a 6-month-old brown-banded cockroach from a Queens, NY, bathtub drain.
Radiation is the new currency I am glad! At least the roaches know we are heading I. The right direction,, maybe the left could get on board as well! If someone else is happy, then I am too They shouldn't, haven't they seen snowpiercer? They will be able to move from Mar-a-Lago to prime real estate. Too smart to believe in global warming
They should. They currently have the US Senate and the presidency At least someone is excited for the future
Man goes to hospital with earache, doctors discover family of cockroaches living inside his earThe man had kept food by his bed, which could have attracted the bugs. Ok, I’m done for today, thanks. 😵
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