Chicken’s Eyes Catch First-Ever Glint Of Sunlight Through Crack In Warehouse Ceiling Just Before Head Sliced Off

📆 3/31/2020 9:00 AM
📰 TheOnion

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CLERMONT, GA—Slowly craning its neck to bask in the sight of the silvery radiance spilling through a crack in the roof of the slaughterhouse far above, a standard farm chicken beheld the light of the sun for the first time Wednesday an instant before powerful industrial machinery sliced off its head, along with those of hundreds of his broodmates. Witnesses surmise that the brief warmth on its dirty, mottled feathers confused the factory-raised bird, but that the ethereal glow was also a comfort, seeming as it did to suggest there was something more to the domestic fowl’s existence beyond being held immobile in constant darkness and subjected to mechanical forced feedings. Slaughterhouse camera footage confirms that the chicken’s pupils widened momentarily and its feces-caked beak hung slack for a few tenths of a second preceding its decapitation, suggesting a mixture of non-comprehension and awe. Avian behaviorists told reporters that the chicken’s posture and movements indicate it would have enjoyed experiencing more sunlight, although those indicators quickly shifted to confusion as the descending blade obstructed the sun’s light. However, it is generally agreed that a sense of calm came over the chicken, persisting until the razor edge effortlessly passed through its cage-malformed spine. Slaughterhouse personnel said the chicken’s headless and rapidly exsanguinating body appeared to continue straining upwards for several more seconds before finally collapsing into a standard carcass bin on the conveyor belt below. The chicken’s body was later mechanically removed from the day’s meat harvest during the automated sorting process and dumped in the trash after being rejected as “irregular.”

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jjjinvesting $HPIL Huge breakout!!!!!!

I suppose that’s considered good luck as far as factory farmed chicken are concerned.

Open the article, it is very good.

Brilliantly written.

This statement has me in the dark.

Excellent. Thank you.

So the supposed light at the end of the tunnel, ended up being a ceiling crack, while getting decapitated. Hardcore. Sorry chicken, you tasty.

Thank you for your service, my Chick-fil-A sandwich was delicious today

I remember reading in the news about an Iraqi refugee in America, seeing snow for the first time in his life, recording it in wonder when an American gunned him down. He died. His widow was hearbroken. It was years ago. It still haunts me.

😢

😪

Gee, you guys are really grim!

Seriously, NOT funny. All too sad that warehoused chickens live whole lives crammed in together in the dark in our modern industrial farming system.

Oddly enough the same feeling Trump will have at 8:59 PM EST.

god damn bro

I was just thinking about dinner tonight. Chicken sounds delicious 😋

'The chickens were well taken care off. These lucky birds spent their lives surrounded by thousands of their friends, all under one roof.'

They're more likely to be put into an emulsifier than be decapitated; think more like two interconnected screws than a blade.

FFairing dark

And here I was, thinking you were gonna cock it up again.

Unfortunately, it's not really an Onion headline. It's worse than that.

Fucking love it! Except this doesn’t belong in because it’s a fact.

Get some new writers! NOT funny!

Sounds delicious

The hope is what makes it so tasty

I don’t know how to feel about this. I laughed, but felt bad at the same time. Anyway, I like chicken. I don’t want to know how it’s gets to my plate.

I’m not saying this as a joke, I thought these were supposed to be satire. This is probably a very common occourance

I thought you were a satire page.

Don’t we have enough to be depressed enough

Oh man. Brutal yet legit.

All Summer In A Day

jesus that's bleak

sheesh

The most compassionate path is vegetarianism/veganism Even cutting back as much as possible on meat is a start. We all have to start somewhere

For every one of these kinds of articles the Onion releases, I'm going to release 3 glorifying the consumption of meat in a cleverly ironic way

bruh

Just sayin....

should really fix that crack

😵😵

😟

Damn Onion we doing that huh

Go vegan, everyone

I would've just dodged

What a beautiful story.

NikkiGlaser

fuck

:'(

lmao

Thanks.I really needed that.

Cruel 💔❣️

Don't feed the PETA trolls

I guess the chicken saw the light at the end of the warehouse

Jesus

At least it had glimmer of hope

peta

Like the chicken, you just went very dark.

Ouch 😰😔

“TIME TO RUN LIKE A...!”

Wow, this is depressing af

And after cooking, still tastes like chicken!

Damn.

That escalated quickly.

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