Celebrities Reveal Why They Actually Divorced Their Spouse

Chris Pratt and I made a suicide pact and then both backed out of it at the last minute. We just stood there, unfired pistols to our hands“I really want to tell you, but my NDA doesn’t run out for another 9,991 years.”“Everyone knew Dennis [Rodman] had a reputation, so I shouldn’t have been surprised that he insisted on natural granite countertops when I was pushing for soapstone. We were always doomed.”“He lied to me about his age. I was shocked.

Turns out he was just some 20-something prank show host.”“We’re still happily married, but the minute Nespresso tells me to, I’ll dump Amal on the side of the road.”“Basically, Anna Faris and I have been in entertainment for so long that we have the intellectual development of 12-olds and the egos of omnipotent gods. Combine those two, put us together in an environment of crass consumerism, and you have a recipe for a relationship imploding.

Kanye one got me

*spits coffee* 😂🤣😂

I nearly missed that this was The Onion and kept on scrolling

cocaine

Why you gotta do Jason like that lol

Soul killer

The onion? More like the fun-yun.

Did she work in the tRump Whitehouse?

Could of been, it became too much to pretend,Kanye’s MR SIMPLE WORDS said slow mean more, to just,him!While everyone’s rolling their eyes on the inside if they muster of enough will power not to do it while he’s talking,”When you,think, better!,then you!,have access,to, better”😅

GuessingKanyes. He’s into oldwhite guysfromcreepysexwaxmuseum, he’s secretly g&y,he escaped a mentalinstitution&belongsthere, makeshorriblesillymusic,kind of turned into vibe of childhoodlike ret&rdedinnocence of didnthave a childhood like MichaelJackson,&makeshorrible clothestoo

The Kanye one is hilarious

Too much money, I'd bet

Photoshop: 100

It is known that Chris Martin left when vagina candles became a common gift to friends of his then wife.

Soapstone counters? Tell you are not going to carve on them when you get really drunk with the boys…

LOLOLOL

I feel this is actually not funny since mental health and suicides aren’t exactly a laughing matter. Really poor taste here.

This is not even funny.

Let mes seehow can I complane today

Suicide is not funny. Not satirical. Not in any way shape or form. You’re better than that

Not every joke is a winner but ppl should lighten up 😂

The other marriage breakups were funnier - just glad Kanye is still friends with Kanye .

ecareyo

What?

And the joke? Ohh I forgot the onion was never funny

This is pretty cringe imo

Tasteless opening comment (duh) to what I'm sure is a rather comedic satire by them (if I actually cared about celebrities)...but if I unfollowed everyone who has made a suicide joke? My twitter feed would only have be pretty bare.

'To our heads' maybe? In our hands?

This isn’t even funny. TheBabylonBee is way better

It's definitely a little much ngl

Love is an emotional suicide pact.

'to our hands'

I'm unfollowing the union because of this 'joke'

the story of my life!

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