Vol 54 Issue 40, Religion, World

Vol 54 Issue 40, Religion

Catholic Church Releases New Molestation-Proof Altar Boy Uniform

Catholic Church Releases New Molestation-Proof Altar Boy Uniform

23.2.2020

Catholic Church Releases New Molestation-Proof Altar Boy Uniform

VATICAN CITY—Claiming the vestments represent a vital step in ameliorating the church’s centuries-long history of addressing sexual abuse with subsequent cover-ups, the Catholic Church introduced a line of wrought iron molestation-proof altar boy uniforms Monday. “With these new impenetrable steel robes, Catholic altar boys can now serve the Lord and assist with Mass without the shame or fear of tempting otherwise pious clergymen,” a joint statement by senior Vatican officials read in part, explaining that the full-coverage metal loin-girdings are available to fit all sizes and ranges of youth’s suppleness and are guaranteed to spurn the fingers of any priest who attempts to violate its boundaries. “The ceremonial six-inch-thick wrought iron vestments also boast a built-in alarm system; if the wearer is touched anywhere below the navel, a loud recording warns the offender to stay back in both the local dialect and High Latin. It is greatly hoped that with the implementation of these suits, we can finally spread the word of God in peace without the constant inconvenience and expense of shuffling priests from parish to parish after they’ve succumbed to the not-inconsiderable temptations of the younger members of our church.” Vatican officials clarified that neither they nor the manufacturer were responsible for any priests who somehow figure out a way to get inside the suit with an altar boy.



Read more: The Onion

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🤣 nice of the church to offer this protection from abuse in the church, as well as where it’s more likely to happen, by non-priests, outside the church. It's at a point where maybe the priests should just be neutered as part of joining the preisthood. Not cool julie_eye I love this one Deus vult katya_zamo I don't know....🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔, where there's a hole, there's a way. Instead of boys, how about some homosexual kryptonite........it's called big fat vagina or miss beef curtains if ya nasty! 💋

It’s a start I guess. But it's a bitch to clean. worldwidekatz How is this funny? The greatest invention ever in fashion and retail!

Eric Church Talks Early Career, Performs New Song During CRS 2020 KeynoteEven a great songwriter like Eric Church admits that he goes through periods that can be dry spells. “You can’t force it,” he said. “It’s like squeezing a lemon, the harder you try, the harder it gets.” ericchurch Rea carvey do everything that nobody Puth his son Sven down let cops publish this than you have my prove how Rea carvey did everything that nobody wood believe me to do everything that Sven with Belgium stars wanna reward those neigbors ericchurch Follo vevo ericchurch Did you see what neigbors did with my door becouse that joke Sven was not my type Ore why do you think neigbors Puth 2 holes in my door why do you think the barkeeper let all his hate out on me end Nick Howard with his wife katelyn LenkaMusic

The last time the church deployed these did not end well Sick priests probably think it's kinky. 😭 I remember 50 years ago being a kid in Catholic school, laughing at the joke, 'Don't let the preacher try to get you in the rectory' Except they forgot about the blowhole... Now do hollywood I give it as good a better chance than anything does so far.

Priests everywhere... Nah wouldn’t work they’d still have a go at the air intake Give 'im a rivet a gun or a drill for God's sake

Church at center of South Korea coronavirus outbreak sits silent as infections surgeUsually teeming with thousands of worshippers, the church at the center of South...

😂 Maybe they should just stop dressing altar boys in gowns. It is so sad that it had to come down to this thoughtsandprayers Well, molestation-resistant at least. This is ridiculous because the Catholic Church would never do anything to thwart child rape. It's eco-friendly, too! They have them left over from the last Children's Crusade.

katya_zamo Like that will stop them! Again Wrong...Basic Requirement is Brain Tunning in Right Direction. Put or Change Any Dress. NewYorker CBCNews BBCWorld bussiness WSJ dna mid_day

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katya_zamo Coincidence, I think not. even as a child I was freaked out by this whole clergy ritual. especially the confessional where I proceeded to make stuff up because it was assumed and expected that you did bad things. more and more people are backing away from the Catholic Church with good reason.

But i bet them dirty priests will find a way to fiddle with their nuts and get in there..... Huh? Weird. Also doubles as mandatory abstinence suit which all teenage girls must wear 24 hours a day by order of future POTUS Mike Pence! The Onion is really putting themselves out there with this one. Wow, they don't care what tired, soft, overplayed subject they use for comedy gold. What the hell happened to you?

Tagging Franklin_Graham - looks like science is continuing to prevent your god's attacks on children. katya_zamo katya_zamo does it remind you of this joke i told It still has air holes and hinges.

Controversial church at center of S Korean outbreakA church whose leader claims he is an angel of Jesus has become the biggest cluster of viral infections in South Korea, where a surge in new cases raises fears that the outbreak is getting out of control. Most have been linked to a Daegu branch of the Shincheonji Church of Jesus, where two recent services

touching progress I was an alter boy for many years and was never abused. I felt so ugly and hurt. Other boys would come and go but i was never groomed. It's haunted me to this day, i still have self esteem issues. Catholic priests raped nuns, impregnated them, and then forced them to have abortions. St. Louis Archdiocese names 64 priests credibly accused of sexually abusing children or possessing child porn

Catholic Church Spent Over $2 Million On Lobbying To Block Child Rape Laws Lol. An AP investigation finds nearly 1,700 priests accused of child sexual abuse are living across the U.S. with little or no oversight, many of them with jobs allowing them access to children. Now being sold to Gov’t staffers as well!

its prolly got a built in loophole

Church at centre of South Korea coronavirus outbreak sits silent as infections surgeUsually teeming with thousands of worshippers, the church at the centre of South... God will save them. He works in mysterious ways. Have faith, that's all you need. God will also keep your hands clean and your fever down. God is great, God is good. God is all things. You are God, God is the universe, God is energy. God is not a virus. I am. what can they do but pray and hope God helps them though? Idk why this is news report... 'church sits silent' what else can they do

Shadowy Church Is at Center of Coronavirus Outbreak in South KoreaAs South Korea's coronavirus infection numbers soar, most cases have been connected to the Shincheonji Church of Jesus, which mainstream churches consider a cult The church in S Korea is suspicious, but not one story of the biological lab in Wuhan?🙄 Religious fundamentalists are a danger to themselves and the world. Shit, they found a Marker. What a twist!



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