California Granting Bar-Closing Exemptions To Shithole Dives That Just Have 3 Old Guys Who’ll Be Dead Soon Anyway

📆 7/15/2020 3:05 PM
📰 TheOnion

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SACRAMENTO—In a dramatic move intended to provide relief to those hardest hit among the state’s population, California governor Gavin Newsom signed into law Wednesday a bill that would provide a bar-closing exemption to shithole dives that just have three old guys sitting in them who will soon be dead anyway. “While safety is our foremost concern, we’ve concluded that there’s no real risk involved with leaving open any of those seedy corner bars with broken stools and some regulars named Roy, Ed, and Phil who drink flat cans of Old Style and have a few years left in them, at most,” said Newsom, adding that experts have found a relatively low risk of transmission because their plastered patrons spend every waking moment in the business’ dank, unlit barroom in complete silence, often only speaking up to recount the Raiders’ 1977 season. “Essentially, we’re saying if the bathroom toilet has been on the fritz for the past decade and every bottle behind the bar is visibly dusty, you’re in the clear to continue operating. Trust me, no one else is going in there. These places are real pieces of shit.” Newsom concluded, however, that bars that serve people with healthy lives and things left to live for will be forced to close.

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Ho ho holy shit i wasn't expecting that

As they should

Yeah - they'll already be embalmed, so your saving money right from the start. By the way, Shithole Dive is a great name for a bar.

Shithole dives? You mean california

Californians don’t really drink Old Style... I see you, Chicago ;)

I feel attacked.

If you like this, I have an Onion-esque local newsfeed that I write with my weirdo drunk uncle. Here's our most recent headline for you to enjoy or not enjoy:

Aiannucci 💣 🐕

It's too late. I grew up in Long Beach in the 70's and my neighborhood was full of little dive bars open 6am to 2am with old men sitting in massive smoke clouds. Now it's all been gentrified.

Every city has one

there are other types of dives?

This isn’t a good one.

True compassion on display.

For certain values of 'old,' 'dead,' and 'soon,' I just have to say that those other two guys can fuck off because this is *my* slow-rolled suicide and this my corner of the bar

ClueHeywood 's type of joint

Those guys have rested their faces on the bar’s toilet seats after puking in it. They’re immune to everything

They only get to stay open if Newsom has an open tab

Reasonable.

TheAuthorGuy Ouch.

Do they serve Old Style in California?

nice

Heurism Harsh.

Shut up I’m trying to finish my drink

Is there some kind of tour of California Shithole Dives?

And the meth lines the bar too.

Dont you fucking dare make fun of my uncles like that! 🤬🖕

And they can smoke in them too!

Finally a minute ray of hope in these dark times.

ha, I just watched trees lounge

I took my dog to walk in the local park this morning A guy was already there in a lawn chair loudly spouting his right wing views on everything to anyone within earshot I figured the bar know it alls were going to resurface Im sure he’s still there

Bruh

AKA Senior care facilities.

jessicarionero 😂

mikeweird

That so social distance anyway. At least 6 feet between, and everyone looks down at the bar so their breath doesn't get far

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