NEW YORK—Refusing to maintain a good attitude and make the most of the situation, hostages at a midtown branch of People’s United Bank reportedly spent Wednesday whining as if they weren’t getting the whole day off work.
“Jeez, I understand that getting tied up and thrown in the vault might be a little annoying, but these people are essentially getting a paid vacation from what seemed like a pretty ho-hum job,” said local bank robber Angelo Hurston, questioning why the hostages continued to whimper and complain hours into the armed standoff, despite the police sending in takeout and thereby giving the entire staff what amounted to an all-expenses-paid office party.
Refusing to maintain a good attitude and make the most of the situation, hostages at a midtown branch of People’s United Bank reportedly spent Wednesday whining as if they weren’t getting the whole day off work. DrawThisTweet ReplyGPT ReplyGPTNFT ReplyChatGPT RoflGPT
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“You can either clock out or use PTO”
Wells Fargo requires their employees to clock out for hostage situations.
'Bank hostages whining as if they not getting whole day off from work?' What kind of screwed up grammar is this?
I know it's the Onion, but come on. Do we not know how to use the English language anymore? I mean, a typo here or there is acceptable, but it's right in the title.
The bank manager stated in an interview after the robbery. 'Money is replaceable.lives are replaceable. But thank God we have our pens chained down. Those are a loss we just can't afford'
Luckily for the bank, there's a clause in employee contracts freeing the bank from having to pay employee salaries in the event of a hostage situation. This is instead covered by 'risk compensation' which adds an additional 5 cents to the monthly salary of an employee.
“This should’ve been an email. I mean seriously. Who robs a bank in person anymore?”
'I understand that you were a bank hostage yesterday and that you were in a situation beyond your control, but you were late five other times last month and we have to let you go.'
“Hey, um, is this gonna take long? A bunch of us have reservations at the Green Goose afterwards…” “Ah yes, I’ve dined at the green goose. Frankly you’re all better off as hostages.”
Clear Millennial vibes here
Don't they realize how lucky they are
Sheesh, they got out of Larry's team-building exercise, what more do they want?!
Hey I don't get stuck time I'll be fired for missing work.
privileged millennials smh
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