Awful Man Offers Witty, Acerbic Take On Everything He Sees
ROCKVILLE, MD—Local resident Alan Bower's particular brand of sardonic, no-holds-barred commentary about everything around him has firmly established the 31-year-old policy writer as an absolutely terrible person who is always ready to crack a joke, sources reported Monday.
"Wow, this is going to look really candid since I'm always hanging out by scaffolding," says the terrible human being.ROCKVILLE, MD—Local resident Alan Bower's particular brand of sardonic, no-holds-barred commentary about everything around him has firmly established the 31-year-old policy writer as an absolutely terrible person who is always ready to crack a joke, sources reported Monday.
AdvertisementAccording to friends of the modern-day Oscar Wilde, Bower has a singular knack for sucking every last bit of genuine enjoyment out of any situation with his hilarious, nonstop incisiveness."Alan is a really funny guy," said civil engineer David Finestra, 30, whose slightly eccentric clothing choices are a favorite target of Bower's biting analysis. "His sense of humor takes some getting used to, but nothing gets past him. Who knew someone could go off on a Kmart billboard for 25 minutes? But that's just Alan for you."
Advertisement"Man, and if you're already having a bad day, and then you spill the tiniest bit of beer on your shirt, you'd better look out!" Finestra continued. "That's good for at least four or five scathing comments from Alan. The guy never stops. Ever."
Though Bower's lightning-quick, whip-smart criticism occurs without pause, brother-in-law Peter Ulster, 34, said the deft ironist still manages to surprise those who know him by expertly dismantling their enthusiasm from an inexhaustible variety of angles.
Advertisement"With Alan, you never see it coming," Ulster said. "You'll be discussing something you really enjoy—like, say, surfing or whatever—and you think he's engaged and agreeing with you, and then bam! He pulls the rug right out from under you with a spot-on remark about how it's a pretty feeble attempt to recapture one's long-past youth. He'll get you every time with that one."
Other acquaintances indicated that shooting blistering one-liners at any person he comes in contact with is just one of the ways in which Bower can always be counted on to ruin a good time. Longtime friend Stephen Rosenthal said that dogs, infants, films, and even inanimate objects are never safe from Bower's hilarious assessments.
Advertisement"Trust me, nothing's sacred to Alan," Rosenthal said. "I remember one time he came to my 6-year-old son's T-ball game, and he gave it the same type of relentless send-up that he would give to a bad movie or a Vespa scooter. There's just no holding him back."
Added Rosenthal, "He's really, really funny."But it's at parties, sources confirmed, that the awful man's complete eradication of even the tiniest bit of non-ironic joy is most apparent. At any social gathering, Bower is able to draw total attention to himself and his clever, razor-sharp barbs, which always have everyone laughing and walking on eggshells.
Advertisement"You really have to watch what you say around Alan," coworker Sarah Orbe said. "He's just so quick and hilarious, and he's always, always 'on.' I'm really glad he heard about my birthday party this weekend through a mutual friend. I'm sure he'll really liven things up like only he can."
Though Bower's reputation for amusingly tearing apart everyone and everything in his path is well known, his own passions remain a mystery. When pressed, no one who is acquainted with the scintillating killjoy could attribute anything even remotely resembling an authentic personality to him.
Advertisement"Now that you mention it, I don't think I've ever heard him say that he liked or enjoyed something," said market research associate Kyle Sullivan, a former roommate of Bower. "Other than that he makes some pretty trenchant points about how annoying and pointless market research is, I guess I actually don't know a whole lot about him."
"Oh, but I did hear that he's getting divorced again," Sullivan added. Read more: The Onion »
filmystic What if I... DON'T want to feel seen? You win Onion, but, it’s a Pyrrhic victory. nickmagrino Aw, the onion finally noticed MattY. kps427 I offered witty, acerbic takes on everything before it was cool Time to hang the Wit on the Wilgen.. Someone once told me 'you've had a sense of humour bypass' Oh how I laughed.
is that LostPause with a beard Basically Chapo Trap House. you've just described literally every redditor He’s not even close to the angel that I married, who now lives the acerbic lifestyle. I need out !!! I have never liked so many tweets. Onion nailed it for their demographic and the readers did not disappoint. Damnit I suck.
I immediately thought of this guy He's a Chandler Bing. me you cowards I learned a word today This used to be me. bleh. charlescwcooke did you give them permission to use your photo? My autobiography I did not give The Onion permission to write about me. Sad to see the Onion engaging in self-hate like this :(
Nice to meet me. RyanHerra you've finally made it. Will you sign my copy? What sort of wanker would reply to tweets! It me Everyone replying to this post thinks they're witty You finally did a profile on me! Is he my ex? Cause he seems like him lol Oh no 'We believe his cold dead body will be found behind the donut place some time around midnight tonight. Or is that tomorrow? WINK.'
That's 95% of the The Onions readers minus the 10% that don't realize it's a satire site. Don't single out Marc Maron like that. That should be a photo of Trump. You could at least contact my rep for a quote if you’re going to write about me. Pipe down Drake Bell JATayler Don’t even have the balls to me.
So basically twitter Is it rickygervais? Rpdmem1804 Bit harsh on this guy, tbh: Everybody I follow on Twitter Didn't need a callout post... this screenshot will be seen in many comments. What a sweetheart! all the people replying to this not realizing they’re the problem................ You done flipped it!
I'm sitting right here. Gee Whiz. Every job I've ever had, I end up working with this guy. You just described Twitter Fuck this guy I feel attacked You’ve killed my brain. This has to have been planned lol Sorry, ,you are no longer satoric. Shit. 🤣 I’m pretty sure I’ve met that guy in several different human forms🤔
OreNoIsntHere Oh god is this me oh no 😬 Onion Headline featuring the word 'Acerbic' has readers scrambling to look up meaning of word. Et tu, Cepa?
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Montana man charged with toppling Ten Commandments monumentMontana police arrested a man they said pulled down a courthouse Ten Commandments monument with a chain and a pickup truck, according to reports. So I guess he must be prosecuted given trumps new EO ... keep me posted please. Charge him NOW He could possibly go to hell for that, but never jail.
Louisiana Man Faces Charges For Swimming In Sporting Goods Store Fish TankThe suspect told reporters he plunged into an indoor aquarium at a Bass Pro Shop in Bossier City to celebrate getting 2,000 likes on TikTok. As one does. There are headlines that will be so hard to explain to ur grandchildren in the future. Most because of how awful the word is right now. This will be hard to explain, too. For very different reasons. ok... that's a little funny.