As A Show Of Good Faith, We’re Sending In 10 Little-Known Facts About ‘ The Witcher ’ And All We Ask Is You Not Harm Any Of The Hostages
Hello! We are addressing ourselves to the individual inside the First Savings Bank on Fourth and Grand. You are speaking to the Onion Gamers Network. Please remain calm. We just want to talk to you. You’re a professional; we’re a professional gaming journalism site. We can certainly come to some sort of agreement…
Did you know that despite his litheness and powerful magical skills,The Witcher’s protagonist is pushing 100 years old? We think that’s pretty interesting, but you’re telling us that you want a helicopter too? Jeez, we’re just one publication, Greg, there’s only so much pull we have here. Why do you want a helicopter, anyway? You want to go to the airport? You want us to scramble a jet too? That means we have to bring in the FAA, federal marshals, the whole shebang. No, no, we can do it, Greg, if that’s what you really want. But it’s going to take some time, okay? While we wait, here’s another fact.Read more: The Onion »
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How about a couple rounds of Gwent? Every round you win I release a hostage. the twist: Greg robbed that bank so he could pay for a limited edition copy of The Witcher 3 HMMM. It’s a fun one for a while
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3. Geralt Is Almost A Century Old Did you know that despite his litheness and powerful magical skills, The Witcher ’s protagonist is pushing 100 years old? We think that’s pretty interesting, but you’re telling us that you want a helicopter too? Jeez, we’re just one publication, Greg, there’s only so much pull we have here. Why do you want a helicopter, anyway? You want to go to the airport? You want us to scramble a jet too? That means we have to bring in the FAA, federal marshals, the whole shebang. No, no, we can do it, Greg, if that’s what you really want. But it’s going to take some time, okay? While we wait, here’s another fact. Advertisement 4. His Distinctive Eye Scar Isn’t From The Books Everybody must be getting pretty bored in that bank by now, huh, Greg? Are you sharing these little known facts with the hostages, or are you keeping info such as Geralt’s badass eye-scar having been added by the CD Projekt Red team to yourself? Our sources tell us one of the bank tellers, Monica, a mother of three, is a huge Witcher fan. And there’s an 80-year-old woman in there named Alice Parsons with a heart condition who never misses an E3 presentation. We’re sure she’d love to hear some little known facts too. Well, you’re a decent guy, Greg, we’re sure you’ll share them. Here’s another one. Advertisement 5. There’s No Such Thing As “The Witcher’s Code” You might be surprised to learn that the frequently referenced “Witcher’s Code” isn’t real, but merely an excuse that Witchers use when they don’t want to get involved, so what do you think about letting one of the hostages go, just to show that we can trust each other? You still have so many hostages, what difference is one less going to make, huh? Advertisement We know, we know, that wasn’t the original deal, but how about Alice? Just one, just Alice. Christ, she’s 80 years old! If she doesn’t get her medication in the next hour she’s going to start getting sick, and if she dies in there, well, we can’t help you anymore, Greg. So, why don’t you send her out? That’s right. We’ll stay back. Thank you, Greg! See, we knew the two of us could work together. And look, she’s going to be just fine. She told us you’re a reasonable man. Thank you, Greg. Thank you. You’re doing great. Advertisement