A Holiday Guide to Sounding Dumber at Cocktail Parties

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It’s mandatory fun season, and that means large swaths of the world will soon collectively stand around, sweating drink in hand, smiling and nodding at near-strangers while desperately hoping they both look like they are listening and sound the way a person who is not an idiot sounds. This poor fool even wrote to the New York Times for tips on how to sound smarter at something called a “cocktail party.”

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It’s mandatory fun season, and that means large swaths of the world will soon collectively stand around, sweating drink in hand, smiling and nodding at near-strangers while desperately hoping they both look like they are listening and sound the way a person who is not an idiot sounds.for tips on how to sound smarter at something called a “cocktail party.”

I say that this person is a fool, not because I question their intelligence level, but because I question their commitment to sounding smart . Pretending to be dumb in front of people who do not know that you are not dumb is one of life’s great pleasures. Not only does it prevent most people from introducing boring topics, like whatever thing they read just enough of in theto sound smart at people, but it also helps determine who the assholes are.

Speak with a Southern accent. Because my hometown in Louisiana is not incredibly welcoming to those who think abortion and gay people should be allowed and never fully understood why flag burning was ever a crime, I have spent much of my life exiled to more liberal realms. The second East and West Coasters hear the thick accent I can’t seem to shake, they immediately assume I also have difficulty reading. Let them! Fake a thick drawl this holiday season.

Find a white man under forty, get him to mention David Foster Wallace, say “Wait, that guy in the book movie with Marshall fromKnow that the majority of dumb holiday utterances will be completely serendipitous. You will inevitably ask about the absence of a co-worker’s wife only to remember two seconds later that she left him two weeks ago for his twin brother. Lean into that awkwardness. Forget everything you know about everyone. Forget everything you know about how conversations work.

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