5 Common Grievances of Narcissists

Those with narcissistic personalities are often preoccupied with grievances.

11/22/2020 10:03:00 AM

Narcissists tend to believe that the rules apply to everyone else—except them. Here's why.

Those with narcissistic personalities are often preoccupied with grievances.

You don’t pay enoughattentionto me!Despite demanding endless attention and admiration (another narcissistic trait in the DSM-5), they can’t absorb it. So, they really believe that they aren’t being paid enough attention, even though you may be exhausted from paying them so much attention. There’s a common saying that narcissists suck all the oxygen out of a room, and it can truly feel that way as they demand all of the attention.

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You don’t respect me enough!Narcissists demand disproportionate respect. When they do something small or routine, they expect you to excessively praise them. “Remember that time I fixed…?” You probably could have done it more easily or quicker, but she still wants you to be in awe of her. On the other hand, when you do something really worthy of respect, she may be indifferent or

and quickly change the subject. Most narcissists rely heavily on those closest to them to help repair themselves after their numerous “narcissistic injuries” when other people or real life treats them as not superior at all.You have too many rules!Narcissists hate rules because they want to be free to do what they want. They consider themselves above rules—since they are superior, why should they have to abide by any rules at all? So, you made an agreement? Since they are superior, they don’t really have to follow it. There’s always a reason, so expect that agreements will be routinely broken or totally forgotten. It’s not a two-way street. You have to follow the rules, but they shouldn’t have to, in their minds. If you’re involved in a court case, such as a headtopics.com

divorce, they won’t follow the judge’s orders because the judge didn’t understand how superior the narcissist is and therefore the order doesn’t need to be followed. In business, they consider themselves free to change plans without telling you and are often looking for a better deal from someone else—who will see them for the superior person they are and won’t have as many rules. In politics, they often justify breaking the rules because of someone else’s misbehavior, or they go on a mission to eliminate the rules and regulations that might restrain them.

This relationship is too confining!Narcissists are often driven to have multiple relationships, to have more sources of “narcissistic supply” (people to fawn on them and give them excessive attention). They may have affairs duringmarriage, sometimes even two at once. But they want understanding of their superior needs, so they eventually may not try to keep them secret but instead demand your tolerance—since they are someone special with “uniquely strong needs.” At work, they want to come in late or leave early, or not be held accountable at all. They may treat their employees disdainfully but kiss up to their own superiors to avoid having consequences for their actions. They want to be their own boss, but they want the benefits of the organization taking care of them. In politics, they want to attack the government as overbearing and confining. They may think they are superior to the government and that people should just follow whatever they say today, instead of following long-standing rules. Since they are so superior, they should be free to replace the government instead of fitting into it.

You treat me so unfairly!This may be the most common grievance of all. It usually means that you have treated them as an ordinary person rather than the fantasy of a superior person that they are holding onto. Or, you have criticized them for something—usually well-deserved. Most people have occasional criticisms of each other. (You left the cap off the toothpaste, you left work early yesterday, your workplace policies are lousy, etc.) Yet for a narcissist who believes that he is superior, it feels like excessive criticism when they receive the same level of criticism as everyone else—or more, because of their own disrespectful behavior. Since they tend to claim credit for the work of others and deny responsibility for the work they were supposed to do, they often do get more criticism than others. Yet they can’t connect this to their own behavior, which was the cause of the criticism in the first place. When you’re outrageous, you tend to get negative feedback. Yet for a narcissist, any negative feedback whatsoever feels unfair.

It’s hard to be a narcissist or to be around a narcissist. The individual is always trying to shore up their own “false self” against the realities that they are an ordinary person, just like everyone else. Yet for those around a narcissist, the consequences can range from being severely criticized to being physically abused or killed because of the interpersonal expression of the narcissist’s internal dynamics. headtopics.com

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It is important to realize that the extraordinary charm and glory that a narcissist can bring into another person’s or organization’s life is usually just a precursor to the disdain and destruction that those around them may go through in dealing with all of their grievances and the extreme behavior related to them.

In general, it’s best to usepersonalityawareness to keep your eyes open and avoid starting down the road of such a relationship in the first place. And if you’re already in such a relationship, it’s important to gain skills for managing the relationship or easing yourself out of it.

Read more: Psychology Today »

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