CHICAGO—Stating that he only wants to wash his clothes and be on his way, local man Eric Snyder told reporters Wednesday that for once he’d like to visit the laundromat without meeting an absolutely perfect woman. “I swear, it seems like every single time I head down to do a couple loads of wash, I end up choosing the same machine as an attractive, vivacious grad student who just happens to have a ton of similar interests,” said Snyder, lamenting that unfailingly before the first rinse cycle has begun, he’ll be involved in a flirtatious conversation with a stunning, engaging, and well-read 22-to-26-year-old who forgot her detergent at home. “Just one time I’d love to be able to fold my laundry in peace instead of looking up into the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen. I’d have so much time to finish other chores if I could just put my clothes in the basket and leave without making plans to grab a coffee around the corner with an amazing woman after discovering that we share an identical quirky sense of humor.” Snyder also told reporters he would give anything for one morning commute without sitting across from a gorgeous woman reading the same book as him.