Asshole, Marissa Feely, Kyle Davis, Schimdt, Ricky Cook, Dennis, Anus, Shit, Bill Harding, Vinny Iagosa, Vanessa Torres, Craig Horble, Bud Murphy, Jordan Mccabe, Mccabe, Brittany Pipitone, Linguistics, Nick Casey, English Profanity, Michael Schmidt, Justin Smigowski, Katie Reynolds, Words

Asshole, Marissa Feely

26-Year-Old To See Every Asshole He Ever Went To High School With On Night Before Thanksgiving

26-Year-Old To See Every Asshole He Ever Went To High School With On Night Before Thanksgiving

3 hours ago

26-Year-Old To See Every Asshole He Ever Went To High School With On Night Before Thanksgiving

NEW YORK—For the fifth straight year, Jordan McCabe will return home for the holidays and spend the night before Thanksgiving running into every smug and unlikable asshole he ever went to high school with, the 26-year-old reported Monday.

“Guaranteed Ricky Cook will be there,” said McCabe, adding that there isn’t much else to do in his hometown. “And probably Vanessa Torres, and that dickhead Michael Schmidt. Yeah, Schimdt will definitely be there. Probably be hammered, too.”At Marleybone, McCabe will be required to partake in a number of unpleasant activities, including making small talk with several assholes who used to openly mock him during high school, and reminiscing about the “good old days” of which he was never a part. While the consumption of alcohol will initially make the evening more tolerable, McCabe is ultimately expected to leave the bar after realizing he has just as little in common with all these assholes as he did when he was 15.

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Advertisement“Katie Reynolds will probably come up and give me a big hug like we’re the best of friends, even though she never once talked to me during school, and pretty much acted like I was invisible the whole time,” McCabe said. “Boy, I can’t wait to hug that bitch again.”

After leaving Marleybone, the 26-year-old predicts he will patronize Bud Murphy’s Tavern, a favorite haunt for locals, where an even greater number of assholes are expected to congregate in even higher densities.AdvertisementAssholes such as Craig Horble, Kyle Davis, Vinny Iagosa, Brittany Pipitone, Justin Smigowski, Nick Casey, and Nick’s asshole brother, Dennis.

According to McCabe, all the assholes in attendance will look the same except for being 10 to 20 pounds heavier, and possibly sporting a new beard or goatee. However, that same old shit-eating grin will still be on all their faces, McCabe reported.Advertisement

If previous years are any indication, assholes who live in the area will not be the only ones out the night before Thanksgiving. Like McCabe, who since graduation has moved to New York, many Marshall High School alumni are expected to return from their new homes all across the country.

“I bet Bill Harding is going to show up and talk about his big lawyer job in San Francisco,” McCabe said. “I can see it now: ‘You know, hours are a real bitch. Money’s good, though.’ I’ve known that guy since fifth grade. He’s always been an asshole.”

AdvertisementEarly reports indicate that the mingling of assholes will likely trigger a fight between the hours of 1 a.m. and 2 a.m., with a scuffle expected moments after two giant assholes argue over who rushed for more touchdowns during senior year. McCabe said that he usually tries to avoid any involvement in these fights, but nonetheless anticipates an elbow to his forehead or at the very least a spilled drink on his pants.

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“[Wayne] Maldonado just loves to run his mouth, especially when it comes to talking shit about people’s girlfriends,” McCabe continued. “He used to be kind of scary when we were all in school, but the guy is almost 30 now. I feel kind of bad for him.”

AdvertisementThough he remains anxious about the inevitable fracas, McCabe explained that those experiences are usually counterbalanced with more pleasurable events, such as finding out which assholes now have kids.“I heard Marissa Feely got knocked up this year,” he said. “What is that? The third time?”

AdvertisementThe 26-year-old is not the only one dreading the upcoming week. Several Marshall High School alumni have expressed similar misgivings about running into former classmates on the night before Thanksgiving.“I can’t believe McCabe is coming back,” said local resident Ricky Cook. “That guy’s such a fuckin’ asshole.”

Read more: The Onion »

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😂😆😂😆 There it is Classic Possible; if he can avoid the 'Peaked in High School Athlete' that still lives on the stories. Thank God I can get drunk at home. Those pricks are insufferable It's like the Christmas Carol, only it's Thanksgiving, and you keep getting ghosts of the past over and over This is too accurate.

45 y o wonders why he spent so much time in the 90s with those A holes hashtag F them this is a great sentence: “I can’t believe I’m going to see all those assholes again,” McCabe continued. Plus he knows he'll get bald shamed by all them full-head-of-hair ex-skaters. That quickly loses its luster once you're around 25

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I mean... Literal assholes or....? OldPatisBack

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