BUFFALO, NY—Tipping back their heads and laughing as they watched their victims struggle helplessly, Starbucks executives were dangling tied-up union organizers over a vat of steamed milk, sources confirmed Thursday. “We wanted to thank you for all your hard work organizing our baristas by making you a special treat—don’t worry, it’s on the house!” said CEO Kevin Johnson, leering at the bound-and-gagged organizers as he pulled a lever that released a cascade of cookie crumble pieces, caramel syrup, and a bubbling mocha sauce from the ceiling. “One extra-hot latte, coming right up! You wanted Starbucks? You’ll get Starbucks! No need to squirm, dear, it’s oat milk, just the way you like it. Now we have just one last secret ingredient to add, can you guess what it is?” At press time, Johnson had rolled out a giant blender on wheels, announcing he was actually more in the mood for a Frappuccino.