Hello! We are addressing ourselves to the individual inside the First Savings Bank on Fourth and Grand. You are speaking to the Onion Gamers Network. Please remain calm. We just want to talk to you. You’re a professional; we’re a professional gaming journalism site. We can certainly come to some sort of agreement here, okay?
Good, good. Neither of us wants things to get messy, so as a show of good faith, we’re going to send in these 10 little-known facts about The Witcher, and all we ask is that you not harm the hostages, okay? Are you ready? Here comes the first fact.
1. Witchers Are Actually Mutants
That’s right! The series’ titular characters aren’t sorcerers or mages but in fact mutated humans who have gained magical abilities, so let’s just take it nice and easy and not lose our heads and end up doing something we might regret, all right?
2. “Geralt Of Rivia” Isn’t Really From Rivia
Though frequently referring to himself with the epithet “Of Rivia,” in actuality Geralt is from the less-prestigious Kaedwen, but connects himself with Rivia because it’s the home of the Queen. Pretty interesting stuff, huh? Speaking of names, you got one? Doesn’t have to be your real name, just something we can call you. We’re going to call you Greg—is that all right? We went to high school with a kid named Greg. Real solid guy. Good, strong name, Greg. Heh, sorry, you’ll have to forgive us—we can get to rambling a little bit sometimes. But let’s get back to business, huh? Okay, we’re sending in the next little-known fact.
3. Geralt Is Almost A Century Old
Did you know that despite his litheness and powerful magical skills, The Witcher’s protagonist is pushing 100 years old? We think that’s pretty interesting, but you’re telling us that you want a helicopter too? Jeez, we’re just one publication, Greg, there’s only so much pull we have here. Why do you want a helicopter, anyway? You want to go to the airport? You want us to scramble a jet too? That means we have to bring in the FAA, federal marshals, the whole shebang. No, no, we can do it, Greg, if that’s what you really want. But it’s going to take some time, okay? While we wait, here’s another fact.
4. His Distinctive Eye Scar Isn’t From The Books
Everybody must be getting pretty bored in that bank by now, huh, Greg? Are you sharing these little known facts with the hostages, or are you keeping info such as Geralt’s badass eye-scar having been added by the CD Projekt Red team to yourself? Our sources tell us one of the bank tellers, Monica, a mother of three, is a huge Witcher fan. And there’s an 80-year-old woman in there named Alice Parsons with a heart condition who never misses an E3 presentation. We’re sure she’d love to hear some little known facts too. Well, you’re a decent guy, Greg, we’re sure you’ll share them. Here’s another one.
5. There’s No Such Thing As “The Witcher’s Code”
You might be surprised to learn that the frequently referenced “Witcher’s Code” isn’t real, but merely an excuse that Witchers use when they don’t want to get involved, so what do you think about letting one of the hostages go, just to show that we can trust each other? You still have so many hostages, what difference is one less going to make, huh?
We know, we know, that wasn’t the original deal, but how about Alice? Just one, just Alice. Christ, she’s 80 years old! If she doesn’t get her medication in the next hour she’s going to start getting sick, and if she dies in there, well, we can’t help you anymore, Greg. So, why don’t you send her out?
That’s right. We’ll stay back. Thank you, Greg! See, we knew the two of us could work together. And look, she’s going to be just fine. She told us you’re a reasonable man. Thank you, Greg. Thank you. You’re doing great.
6. The Witcher Has Two Sequels, The Witcher 2: Assassin Of Kings, and The Witcher 3: WIld Hunt
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Hey, hey, let’s calm down, Greg, all right? Let’s just calm down. Hey, you’re right, you’re absolutely right. That wasn’t a little-known fact. We know that. We know that, Greg, okay? You’re right. You’re right. Even a casual fan would know about the two sequels—We’re sorry. Look, Greg, that wasn’t our call. That was the feds, okay? But the agent who made that decision is gone. He’s gone. Don’t worry about him. You’re just talking to us from here on out, okay? Okay? No more tricks. Don’t take it out on the hostages, Greg, they didn’t have anything to do with this. How about another little-known fact, all right? Nice and easy. And we’re getting that chopper you asked for too. Come on, Greg. Here we go.
7. Witchers Are Dying Out
Witchers are largely mistrusted for their power and monster-hunting abilities, leading to frequent attacks on their training facilities, and fewer and fewer Witchers existing. You there, Greg? Come on. Don’t go cold on us. Don’t let one fuck up ruin everything, okay? Work with us here. We got another little known fact. This one’s about the Netflix adaptation, okay? Here it is.
8. Henry Cavill Has Been A Longtime Witcher Fan
We promise you, that chopper’s going to be here soon. It takes a lot to get a helicopter cleared to fly over a commercial district, you know that, right, Greg? Sure you do. But for now, we’re telling you that Superman himself, Henry Cavill, who beat out over 200 other performers for the lead in Netflix’s adaptation, is a professed gamer himself.
What games does he play? Well Hell, Greg, we’d love to tell you that. Great to hear from you again, buddy; we knew you were too smart to let this all go to shit over one little misunderstanding. Sources say Cavill also enjoys Half-Life, Delta Force, and World of Warcraft.
We’re not going to jerk you around, Greg—here’s the 9th little-known Witcher fact.
9. There Was An Ill-Fated Witcher Movie
Entitled The Hexer, the 2001 film flopped with critics and audiences alike. Can you hear the helicopter? That’s right, we got it for you. We told you we would, didn’t we? Well, listen, Greg, it’s been a long day, and what’s really on our mind right now is getting home and having a nice cup of tea with the missus. Our only concern is making sure nobody gets hurt, and nobody has, so let’s just send in the last fact while the chopper is landing and you can be on your merry way, all right?
10. Geralt Has Been Featured In Several Video Games Outside The Witcher Series
Looks like you fucked up, you son of a bitch. This is what happens when you lose focus! We tell you, there aren’t going to be any little known facts about The Witcher where you’re going, pal: federal prison. Now take this scum out of our sight.