FORT WORTH, TX—Dismissing the technology as a flash in the pan and doomed to fail, cryptocurrency-averse man Tim Blankenship told reporters Friday that he would prefer investing in a traditional stock market that he also doesn’t understand. “Call me old-fashioned, but I’d much rather trust my life savings with a more tried-and-true confusing and opaque system that can drastically increase or decrease in value according to forces that are way beyond my comprehension,” said Blankenship, adding that investing in crypto carried all sorts of risks that the stock market didn’t, or might, actually, he wasn’t sure. “I know crypto is supposed to be the big new disruptive thing, but this is my future retirement we’re talking about, and I’m not going to leave that up to some new thing I don’t grasp the first thing about when I can rest easy knowing that my money is tied up in some old thing I also don’t grasp the first thing about. I can’t follow what those crypto guys on Reddit are saying anyway, which is why I stick to investing according to what some stocks guys on Reddit are saying, since I can’t follow it either way. Plus, I don’t want to keep up on the mystifying trends that affect crypto and lose all my money, when I could just as easily not keep up with the mystifying trends that affect the S&P or NASDAQ and lose all my money.” At press time, Blankenship had decided to invest his money in online blackjack since he at least understood how it worked.