I’ve always loved October for many of the reasons you’d expect: crisp fall leaves, pumpkin spice everything, and Halloween, to name a few. But as a victim and survivor of domestic violence, this time is even more special to me. Domestic Violence Awareness Month provides an opportunity for people like me to share our stories, raise awareness of how to support and advocate for survivors, mourn those we’ve lost, and celebrate our healing and recovery.
That last piece doesn’t get enough attention. For many of us, this month presents a rare opportunity to be open about what we’ve survived and to acknowledge just how much we’ve accomplished. Any other time, though, it can be tough to open up—and many of us just don’t. While some survivors can’t share their stories due to genuine safety and legal concerns (and no one should feel pressured to share if they don’t want to), stigma can also be a major silencer—even when it comes to seemingly small healing moments that are actually monumental.
In virtual support groups and survivor circles, you often hear that someone doesn’t feel comfortable or able to share small-but-huge victories with family and friends because, as people who haven’t been in our shoes, they just don’t get it or don’t seem to want to hear about it. But having a witness to these important markers of healing is incredibly important as it validates your reality and confirms that you are indeed strong and able to regain control of your own life, Eileen Martin, L.C.S.W., a North Carolina–based licensed clinical social worker who works with abuse survivors1, tells SELF.
And small wins are everything. “There are thousands of losses within the loss of yourself in an abusive relationship. Each reclaimed loss builds strength and empowerment,” says Martin. “Post-traumatic growth looks like survivors finding their way back to their intuition and learning to trust themselves in the world again. Healing the relationship with themselves will shape all other relationships in their life. This also provides the space for survivors to reclaim their narrative and choose to live their lives in a way that’s meaningful to them.”
It’s important to note that every domestic violence survivor has a unique story, and “after” isn’t always clear or safe. Often, abusers become more violent after you leave, and research shows the end of a relationship is actually the most dangerous time for survivors2. The road to safety and healing can be long and complex, riddled with court battles, debt, insecurity, and struggles with physical health, mental health, and substance use. Recovering your self-esteem and security can be an ongoing, challenging process.
But looking back on my past self, the girl who was devastated by the end of her relationship and struggled to recover for so long, I wish I’d known just how much there was to look forward to. I wish someone had taken me aside and told me how much better life could be. As rates of domestic violence have risen since COVID-193, it’s essential that we keep spreading the word.
In this spirit, I asked eight domestic violence survivors to share some of their greatest moments of joy since leaving life with an abuser. Here are their stories. Please note that all names have been changed for privacy and protection and that some of the details may be triggering if you or a loved one have been through something similar.
1. “My small win was when I didn’t feel ashamed of my words anymore.”
“During my abusive relationship, the one thing that brought me any comfort was writing. I started out simply using the Notes app on my phone and then gradually began sharing posts on social media. When my work started growing and being recognized more, my partner wasn’t pleased. He told me I would have to give it up at some point—and that his family would never approve of the things I talked about, most of which were my own traumas.
One moment that stands out to me is when a reader reached out to let me know I’d captured so much of what people go through and stay silent about. I still look back on that message, even now, and wonder how I could have had such a deep impact on someone. With what’s become my writing career, I reclaimed my voice.” —Aditi
2. “Raising a new kitten helps me find happy moments every day.”
“In the last few months of our relationship, my boyfriend became increasingly violent and aggressive. One night when I wanted to leave to go home, he refused to let me take my baby kitten with me. He was my first kitten and we’d developed a strong attachment, so this was really distressing for me. I cried every day for weeks and tried everything I could to get him back, but I was never able to. I still worry and think about him often, hoping he’s okay.
Though I knew it wouldn’t be the same, I wanted to get another kitten to help me with my healing and mental health. I recently adopted a skittish and shy two-month-old kitten. We’ve gradually created a bond with shared rituals and routines. Because she’s still a baby and needs a lot of care, she helps me get out of bed. Being her mom in a sense provides me with more of a purpose, and she definitely makes me laugh with her antics. I’m currently teaching her tricks. So far, she knows how to sit and basic commands like “no,” “get down,” and “stay.” Next up: leash training.” —Nadia
3. “I just finished my first half-marathon.”
“Many years ago, in retaliation for my filing for separation, my husband attacked me, murdered our three-year-old daughter, and then killed himself. Ever since, I’ve struggled with PTSD, depression, anxiety, and devastating grief. I still struggle every day, but I’m managing now, and I am once again finding joy. I’m married to a wonderful man who is my rock, and I have a new career running my own business alongside an amazing friend.
Thanks to two reconstructive surgeries, years of physical therapy, and a driving determination to prove this man didn’t take every part of my identity from me, I’m proud to say that I ran a half-marathon last weekend. I ran every step of the way and crossed the finish line almost twenty minutes before I had hoped to. I ran farther and faster than I could before I was assaulted, and I am celebrating this accomplishment every day.” —Emily
4. “Paying off debt is my proof that the weight I acquired from an abusive marriage is being lifted from me.”
“Ever since I was a little girl, I was taught in church that the man was the head of the household and the woman was to submit. So when my husband made me pay all our bills and buy him flashy things, even when he had a high-paying job, I let him take the lead.
But a few years in, when a letter from the IRS revealed I was in far more debt than I thought I was due to his spending, I knew I had to free myself. I knew God wouldn’t want me to live a life full of abuse and mistreatment. Leaving put me into more debt with extended hotel stays and a move to be closer to my family, but my life improved so much afterward. Just recently, I hit a huge milestone: I finally paid off $30,000 in loans and credit card debt I’d accrued while I was with my ex. In that moment, I thought, Wow! I’m really getting back to me. I’m healing.” —Chantelle
5. “I found the relationship I’ve always dreamed of with someone who accepts and loves me for who I am.”
“I’m diagnosed with bipolar disorder, which I manage extremely well. But because it’s a lifelong condition, I disclose this condition to every partner in the event that we become serious. Unfortunately, my ex used this as leverage in every argument we had. If I felt lonely, sad, disrespected, or afraid of him, it was always because of my condition—never him.
After I left, I knew he was the toxic and abusive one. But I couldn’t help but feel as if my bipolar diagnosis made me unlovable. He’d told me I’d never be capable of being a wife or mother. I would think, Would every relationship of mine result in this toxicity? Would I ever be able to be the mom I wanted to be someday?
Fast forward to today, and I’m engaged to a wonderful person, someone who was so emotionally supportive throughout the most difficult time in my life. We have a baby girl on the way, and he says I’m going to make the most amazing mother. He’s never once raised his voice at me.
He’s aware of my bipolar disorder and never uses it against me. He chuckles when I spontaneously want to paint the ceiling blue—and he paints it with me. He holds me when I’m sad. And because I have such a healthy partner, symptoms of my bipolar disorder rarely negatively affect our relationship other than the occasional irritability. When that happens, he helps me laugh it away.” —Sarah
6. “Changing my name helped me start a new chapter of my life.”
“On my 31st birthday, my best friend threw me a party with a twist: We were celebrating my name change. When I left my abusive marriage, I knew I wanted to change my last name, but I had a lot of difficult memories attached to my family name too. So, I chose a brand new one for myself.
I chose a word that means confident, strong, and brave. I hadn’t had a birthday celebration at all in the time I was married, and my 30th birthday had been particularly difficult. So sitting in a room full of incredible women who celebrated me and supported my choices was more head-turning than the champagne in our glasses. I remember looking around the room and being so in awe of how I had changed my life for the better. Today, I keep a card given to me at that party on my desk. Whenever I need to summon some of that positive energy, it’s there for me.” —Brittany
7. “Getting an apartment gave me joy, independence, and the freedom to start helping other survivors.”
“After I was hospitalized due to abuse, I was released to the streets because there was no room in the domestic violence shelters. I was homeless and felt lost, sleeping on park benches in the middle of winter. At one point, I contemplated going back to my abuser, but I knew if I did it might be the end for me.
About a year later, with the help of some support programs, I finally got an apartment. This was definitely a moment of joy for me. I felt like I could regain my sense of self-worth and find myself again. Having a home also gave me the security and safety I needed to begin helping others who had endured domestic violence, to give them hope that there is life after abuse.
When I got on my feet, I started a Facebook page and have begun to build a community. My goal is to found a nonprofit organization, invest in real estate, and open my own domestic violence shelter one day. My mission is to help as many survivors as possible.” —Destiny
8. “I’ve found joy in reclaiming my passion for adventure and looking for the beauty in the world that surrounds me.”
“After more than two decades of extreme control and abuse, I didn’t realize how much I lost of myself until I started hiking again. On a late summer day, I walked down a trail with the sound of gravel crunching beneath my feet. I noticed the most beautiful petite lilac flowers on my path. The cool breeze blowing through my hair was welcome. And I felt a great sense of peace overtake my soul.
I hiked daily as a teen and young adult. But for so long, I’d lost that adventurous spirit. I walked for a few miles and ended up at a small pond. The dam at the end of it had white caps on the tips of rushing water. I saw it as a parallel to my life: White water caps symbolized freedom to me, with the dark murky waters as the darkness I left in my past. The young woman I’d lost so long ago, she was back. I’d found myself again.
As the sky started to turn for the evening, the fiery amber sunset became my backdrop. Tears of joy rolled down my face. I hadn’t noticed the changing sky in years. I knew at this moment I was going to be alright. All the struggles and major setbacks I went through to get to this point had made it all worth it. I was free. Since my divorce, I’m no longer the shell of a person I once was. Freedom is bliss.” —Theresa
If you or someone you care about may be in an abusive relationship, confidential help is available. To talk it out, make a plan to stay safe, or figure out next steps, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224, text “START” to 88788, or chat live here.
Quotes have been edited and condensed for clarity.
Sources:
- Eileen Martin, L.C.S.W.
- National Coalition Against Domestic Violence: Why Do Victims Stay?
- Globalization and Health: Mental Health Solutions for Domestic Violence Victims Amid COVID-19: A Review of the Literature
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