When the pandemic first forced us out of our regular routines, many people used the opportunity to reexamine their drinking habits. Some people started drinking more in an attempt to cope with, you know, the stress of a global crisis, while others used the opportunity to cut back on alcohol or stop drinking altogether. Without the pressure of company happy hours, family birthdays, and other events that are usually centered around booze, you may have found it easier not to drink.
But as the world continues to open up—and you inevitably get another wedding invite in the mail—your relationship with alcohol may feel a bit confusing at the moment. Plus, it’s probably much harder to watch your pace when you’re trying to make up for all the time you spent at home instead of out with loved ones.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. It’s perfectly okay to want to drink and be social while creating some boundaries at the same time. SELF spoke to six women who have been able to do just that. Some of them don’t drink at all, and some drink moderately, according to their own preference. Here’s what worked for them.
(It’s important to note that the following tips are not designed to help with alcohol addiction. If you’re worried about your alcohol intake, you can contact the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helpline to find services specifically tailored to your needs.)
1. Be honest about why you want to drink less.
Before you can set boundaries around alcohol, it’s helpful to understand why you’re currently drinking it. Do you lean on that cocktail to get through social situations, or that glass of wine to cope with stress?
Understanding her motivation to drink helped Samantha Sebastian, 32, recognize those moments when they happened so she could actively make a better choice. She tried to moderate her drinking several times before she finally gave it up completely over two years ago. “What made me commit this time was being aware of when I used alcohol to cope, and deciding, I’m going to deal with this in a different way instead of going for drinks or buying a bottle of wine,” she tells SELF.
So, if you usually drink after a stressful day at work to relax, you may try going to an outdoor yoga class instead. You may need to try several strategies before finding what helps you, which can be difficult, so working with a therapist who is trained in coping skills can make the process easier. (If you don’t already have a therapist, there are several resources for finding an affordable practitioner, including Open Path, which lists people who provide reduced-fee sessions.)
In addition to knowing why she even wanted to change her habits, Sebastian reminded herself about the benefits of not drinking. For example, she started becoming more anxious and hungover after consuming alcohol, so she was really focused on how avoiding it made her feel better. “Intentionality is feeling like this is a choice that I am making for myself,” she says. “I’m not doing it for anyone else—it’s from a place of self-empowerment.”
2. Draw boundaries that make sense for you.
Different people thrive with different boundaries, so it’s important to choose ones that you can live up to.
“Too many of us go through years of waking up every morning saying, ‘I’m not going to drink today,’ and then breaking that rule,” says Mary Reid, 59, executive director of Moderation Management (MM), a nonprofit that offers resources to help people reduce their alcohol consumption. If the goals you set for yourself aren’t working, then try to do something that feels easier. Maybe you decide to have only one drink on weeknights. From there, you can build up to more ambitious goals.
Melanie Cox, 47, created a list of guidelines around alcohol that she loosely follows. She doesn’t drink at concerts, by herself, and on first dates, and she has a two-drink limit. But she doesn’t always abide by these—and doesn’t feel guilty when that happens. “The rules are flexible, but I’m glad that I have them, compared to not having any framework to work with,” she tells SELF.
Hilary Sheinbaum, who is in her early 30s, says starting with a “dry” month—her way of saying she didn’t drink at all for 30 days—was helpful because she didn’t feel pressured to make it a permanent commitment. In 2017, Sheinbaum completed her first dry January as a bet, which she won, and discovered that she felt much better.
“I realized the impact that alcohol was having on my sleep and on my energy,” Sheinbaum tells SELF. After the initial month, Sheinbaum noticed that she naturally drank less alcohol and continued doing dry months every so often. (She even wrote a book, The Dry Challenge, about her experiences.) Sheinbaum never decided to abstain completely, but she is less interested in drinking now. “Most of the time it just doesn’t occur to me anymore,” she says.
3. Share your boundaries with others if you’re comfortable doing so.
There will probably be times when people question why you aren’t drinking. You don’t owe anyone an explanation, but telling people the reason for your decision (if you feel comfortable with that) may help them understand. You might say something simple like, “I feel better when I don’t drink alcohol, so I’m choosing not to.” Sebastian says she usually says something like, “Oh, my gosh, no, I have even more fun now than when I used to drink!” In her experience, people react well to her high-energy response and usually don’t push the issue.
Cathryn Castle Garcia, 57, cut back on drinking when she realized that having more than one drink at a time was disrupting her sleep. Now she’ll savor a single drink, and if anyone pushes her to have more than that, she injects humor into her response. “To people that insist, ‘Come on, have another,’ I say, ‘When I wake up at 2 a.m., I’ll text you 100,000 times and make certain that you can join me in the fun of insomnia!’” Castle Garcia tells SELF.
4. Get creative with how you spend your time.
A lot of social events—happy hour, dinner, parties—involve drinking alcohol. And if these are common go-tos for the people you’re close to, you may feel less comfortable or less inclined to go out if you’re not drinking as much as you used to. Sebastian says that she now suggests an activity, like an art exhibit at a museum, where alcohol isn’t as big of a focus. “I never used to do stuff like that,” she says. This approach works for Sheinbaum as well. “Instead of going to the bar, you can say to your friends, ‘Let’s throw a baseball in the park or go get our nails done,’” Sheinbaum says.
Your suggestions can even be more simple than those, says Holly Sprague, 46, cofounder of Dry Together, an online community for moms in their 40s and 50s who want to cut back on their alcohol consumption. Her favorite nondrinking activity is going for a walk with her friends or her husband. “That’s been wonderful,” she tells SELF. “I think there’s an opportunity to deepen your connection without alcohol, because you’re fresher, things are clearer, and you can have great conversations,” she says.
5. Find joy in nonalcoholic drinks.
If you want to join your friends at bars while watching your booze intake, you might feel more comfortable having a nonalcoholic drink order that’s easily available, such as a soda and bitters. Plus, many places have upped their game and offer nonalcoholic wine, beer, and even mocktails. “There are so many new alcohol-free options that have launched, and it’s been a lot of fun trying those out,” Sprague says.
She recommends bringing alcohol-free drinks to parties so you don’t feel like you’ve arrived empty-handed—and so you aren’t literally left empty-handed.
6. Consider making some nondrinking friends.
If you’re finding it hard to stick to your boundaries, it can be helpful to have other people to talk to who understand your experience. Sebastian says that since she stopped drinking, she’s met other people who are also trying to build an alcohol-free social life. Instead of going to a bar, they go out for lunch or workout together. If you’re looking to meet new like-minded people, you can join online communities like Dry Together, which Sprague sees as an alternative to mom group happy hours, or Club Soda Together, a Facebook group where you can connect with people who are also more mindful about their drinking.
“We have women from all over the country join,” Sprague says of Dry Together. “It’s a place where they can talk say, ‘I turned down wine at book club the other night and this is how I felt, this is what helped me.’” In the groups you may even connect with other people in your area who want to hang in real life. And remember your nondrinking friends don’t necessarily have to come from outside your inner circle. Some of your current pals could be down to do other things!
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