JACKSONVILLE, FL—Awaking with a jolt to the sound of the enraged virus rampaging around his kitchen, local man Chris Turner reportedly hid under his bed and covered his mouth in terror Thursday as an enormous Delta coronavirus variant tore through his house. “Please, God, I’ll do anything, just make this mutation go away,” whispered a panicked Turner, who held his breath beneath his bed frame and watched helplessly as the gargantuan virus ripped through his belongings, tearing shelves out of his closet and throwing his dresser against the wall before pausing over his mattress and using its five-inch-long spike proteins to sniff for blood. “Don’t panic, don’t panic. Maybe if I just stay very quiet, it will think I’m dead. Plus, I’m young and healthy. It might not even want anything to do with me. Oh God.” At press time, Turner had pulled out his phone to contact the Centers for Disease Control, only to gasp in terror when the device began loudly vibrating.