We asked the BuzzFeed Community for their funniest, most awkward sex toy experiences. Here are the insane results.
1. Learnin' the ropes:
I bought these anal beads really cheap from Ebay because I was curious about them. I ended up trying them with my boyfriend one night; everything was fine until he pulled them out again. I felt a sudden hesitation from him, so I looked back and saw him with only two-thirds of the goddamn thing. The rest was missing ... IN MY BUTT. I almost panicked, but I managed to fish them out of my butthole in the bathroom after some struggle. DO NOT BUY CHEAP SEX TOYS, PEEPS!
2. Good vibrations:
When I was 15, I had this vibrator that was kind of loud, and I used to use it late at night when everyone was in bed. One night I was getting really close to cumming when my mom walked in to chat and proceeded to lay next to me under the covers. When she was about ready to leave IT TURNED ON! She asked me "What was that?" to which I replied with a very believable "I dunno". I've never been more embarrassed in my life.
3. That escalated quickly:
I went in for a normal hookup and he introduced me to his kink dungeon complete with swing and horse dildos.
4. Pet the kitty:
I was hanging with my 4-year-old niece in my 30-year-old sister's room, and I was very irritated because I hate children. My niece saw that I was upset and tried to cheer me up. During one of her attempts, she said "Look! I got this for you!" and in her tiny child arms was a massive vibrator. I tried to tell her to put it back but she didn't want to, saying "But it purrs!" My sister called later that evening to apologize.
5. Number 4 with a bullet:
My boyfriend had this cock ring that had the little vibrating bullet in it to stimulate my pleasure senses. The whole kit wasn't doing the job so we took the bullet out and my boyfriend was basically rubbing it wherever I told him it felt good. All of a sudden he goes, "I lost it." I'm like, "WHAT??!" and I felt vibrations coming from inside of me. He tried to alligator pinch at it with his fingers but just pushed it back further! I ended up jumping on the bed for a bit and "pushing" until eventually he was able to fish it out. I will never ever, ever forget.
6. Hounded:
The first time a new boyfriend was staying overnight at my apartment, we just had sex and were nodding off when we heard an odd humming sound coming from my bedroom closet. The sound was going from soft to loud repeatedly. I got up, opened the closet door, and found my Bassett hound had somehow turned on (and was chewing!) my bright pink vibrator. I was absolutely mortified. Thank god my boyfriend found it funny!
7. They don't call 'em "toys" for nothin':
My three-year-old son got real quiet while playing in the house one day. When I went to find him, he was sitting in the middle of my bedroom floor, surrounded by all my toys and their batteries, which he had removed, and was covered head to toe in liquid lube. He just sat there smiling at my look of horror.
8. It'll make your hair curl:
Okay, I'm not gonna lie, I was a curious child. When I was like 11, my parents left me home alone for an hour or so and I went into my parents' room on day. I started snooping around (which I shouldn't have been doing) and I found my mom's dildo. Well I didn't know what the hell it was but in my brain it looked like a curling iron and so I literally sat there on the floor and "curled" my hair for 10 minutes. Cut to a few years later, and I screamed when I realized what I did.
9. The hustle:
I started doing home parties selling sex toys to make extra money in college, so I bought some Ben Wa balls and tried them. I couldn't get them out. I panicked and asked my roommate what I should do and she shrieked at me "JUMP UP AND DOWN!" so I did just that, making sure to land in a squat each time to hopefully force them to fall out. That didn't work, so I sobbed and resigned myself to going to the hospital. I went to pee — the relaxing of those muscles helped — and the balls fell out ... into the toilet. I cut my losses and threw them away.
10. A magical evening:
My boyfriend and I had this little treasure chest of toys that he kept in a literal safe at his house. We had these anal beads that looked like a long pink wand with bubbles along it. We usually put things back in the safe after using them but one night we were just too tired so we left the toy "hidden" under some blankets Needless to say we forgot about it until his 5 year old niece walked into the family room waving the toy around like a magic wand. In. Front. Of. Every. One. His mom has never looked at me the same way.
11. It's the thought that counts:
I was dating this guy who lived in another city about an hour away from me and he travelled a lot for work. Needless to say a lot of our sex life involved FaceTime. One day I was visiting him and he pulled out a "gift" for me. He had gotten a mold of his penis done and turned into a dildo complete with his name engraved on the balls. To this day I can't decide if that's romantic or weird or some strange combination of both.
12. The waiting game:
I used to keep a small vibrator in my nightstand. When my son was five he came to the living room with it vibrating on his nose saying "What is this? It tickles!" OMG, I just know one day he will remember doing this when he learns what vibrators are!!!
13. Close quarters:
So my roommate in college was VERY anti-masturbation. One weekend I was going to visit my boyfriend for the weekend and he requested I pack my dildo. When I got there I couldn't find it anywhere. I figured I forgot it at home and went through the weekend unconcerned, until I got back to my dorm and there it was: laying in the middle of the floor. My roommate was so weirded out by it she basically just stepped around it for two days. She didn't speak to me much after that.
14. That's gotta hurt:
I was drunk as a skunk and horny after a night out, but hubby was out of town. Thinking I'd give my new vibrating rabbit dildo a try, I proceeded to put it to use. Unfortunately, I fell asleep in the middle of my play session. With it still on...and in...and vibrating. When I rolled over a few hours later, I let out a horrible scream. The toy had over heated, and literally burned the inside of my thighs. It was so bad that when I rolled over, layers of skin came off. Second and third degree burns. After everything eventually healed, I had a scar on the inside of my thighs in the perfect shape of a dildo. Try explaining that one to your new gyno.
15. Water under the bridge:
One time I was washing my vibrator and my mom walked in and just stood there till I finished washing and drying it.
16. Good clean fun:
I was moving, so I had some friends help take a massive load of laundry to the PACKED laundromat to wash. While we were there, my girlfriend's brother went to put another load of clothes in the washer, and my vibrator fell out of the sock it was hidden in, activated the power button on the base, and wiggled around on the laundromat floor until my girlfriend sprang into action and grabbed it.
17. Free facial:
I once had this clit stimulator that was slightly bent at the end with little bumps for even more pleasure. One night, I was going to town with it and it drained the life out of me. I was too tired to put it back where I usually hid it, so I just left it on my night stand thinking that when I awoke, I'd remember to put it back. The next morning, my mom came into my room. I watched her turn on the toy and bring it up to her face. "Is it a face massager?" I guess the look on my face and my reaction was enough for her to connect the dots.
18. Sharing IS NOT caring:
When I was a freshman in high school I found my mom's dildo and used it occasionally when she wasn't home. When I found out I received an STD from my boyfriend back then, I had to tell my mom. I literally almost gave my mom chlamydia by a dildo. Holy fuck.
19. It's my "friend's":
I bought a really expensive vibrator when I got my first legit paying job and it came with a free gift, which ended up being a VERY LARGE BLACK BUTT PLUG. Flash forward to the day after I opened the package, my dad was giving me a ride to work. He suddenly turned to me and said "Hey, did you leave a giant black butt plug in the bathroom?" I freaked out and said it was my FRIEND'S butt plug and I was just holding on to it for them. My dad looked at me in disgust. It turns out the only thing worse than finding your kid's butt plug is having the kid say it's someone else's butt plug.
20. Talk about dirty:
So I have a prostate "massager" that I use whenever I'm in the mood. I was using it one time and I thought my back door was clean enough. Well, as I was using it, I felt it pushing out, so I pushed it back in. My ass hole muscles pushed the toy out on its own. Low and behold I had shitty kitty on the toy. It was so embarrassing to wash it off, but you know ... shit happens .
21. That's gotta hurt:
I bought a knock-off Magic Wand and it did last me a couple months. Then I noticed the cover was tearing but honestly didn't think much of it. One night I was pleasuring myself with the torn knock-off and felt something hot and sticky on my hairy labia. The glue from under the cover heated up, seeped through, and stuck to my pubic hair. I was NOT going to go to the emergency room so with a deep breath, I RIPPED the toy free. Yes, it was covered in pubes and fresh skin. It took me four months to heal. I didn't buy a knock-off the second time.
