20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine's Day
WASHINGTON—Flushed with anticipation and ready to emerge from another long, cold winter, millions of Americans participated this week in the annual tradition of trimming their pubic regions in time for Valentine’s Day.
Advertisement“My boyfriend and I are going to seeAs You Like Itand then enjoy a nice candlelit three-course dinner,” said Brooklyn resident Lydia Simonson, who along with many other hopeful lovers will soon excuse herself from her daily duties, retreat to a nearby bathroom, and carefully tend to the area around her genitalia. “It’s going to be so romantic!”
Indeed, tiny scissors and electric razors have already begun to fly off drugstore shelves, while all across the country legs are dangling precariously over open bathtub drains. According to statistics from the National Depilatory Council, the week before Valentine’s Day is by far the busiest time of the year for shaving, trimming, sculpting, playful pattern-making, waxing, and even manscaping.
“David and I are going to take a long walk around the park and then maybe on the way home we’ll stop and grab some ice cream,” said Julie Stibbons, a Dallas-area design consultant who recently made use of grooming shears, a pair of tweezers, and two magnifying mirrors to contribute her 0.4 ounces to the nation’s total raw tonnage. “I wonder if David will send me flowers at work like last year.”
Added Stibbons, whose smooth vaginal region will show no signs of stubble for days to come, “He’s just so wonderful.”AdvertisementWhile this year promises to be prolific, experts said the country has gone through many personal grooming phases over the years. In 1947, the first year records were kept, Americans only mowed about 1.25 tons off their “crotch lawns,” while in the mid-1970s private trimmings were so rare that documentation was actually abandoned until 1981.
But with the booming economy of the 1990s, the U.S. saw a significant resurgence in pre–Valentine’s Day shearing and plucking.Advertisement“There’s a huge spike every year in the first half of February,” said Brooks Watson, who is head of sales at Schick, makers of the TrimStyle razor for women. “The rest of the year, Americans generate about 50,000 tons of total trimmings, but in the week before this special holiday we see a massive jump. It’s a veritable clear-cutting down there.”
“Bzzzzzzzz,” he added. “Timber!”According to Schick’s marketing research, during the Valentine’s season, U.S. pubic hair removal rates briefly approach those of Brazil, traditionally the smoothest country on the planet. While Americans seem willing to chop it all off for their annual celebration of romance, personal trimming still varies by season, and plummets to levels almost as low as Greece’s during the week of Thanksgiving.
Advertisement“If I trim the shrubs, the tree looks bigger,” said Jeremy Wertz of Boise, ID, standing in front of his hall mirror with a pair of scissors taken from his employer’s supply closet. “See? Worth the itching, if you ask me.”While many consider the practice a time-honored tradition, not all Americans share Wertz’s enthusiasm.
Advertisement“I’m not going to let corporate America dictate the date or time at which I choose to groom my genitals,” said Denver resident Marcus Shannon, adding that Valentine’s Day was “invented by the razor industry” to sell grooming devices. “If you really love somebody, you should shave your pubes year-round.”
Meanwhile, National Depilatory Council director Donna Spaulding said the sudden nationwide surge in follicular concern is understandable, but she urged caution.Advertisement“We all want to look good and feel desirable, but it’s important to keep things in perspective,” Spaulding said. “In the end, you want people to love your pubic region for what’s inside, not just for how it looks.”Read more: The Onion »
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That was so 2017 And sent straight to Michael Bolton’s mustache. DasburT_ carlydermott Before: Button on a fir coat, after, just a button figures, as usual the elites ignore real Americans. Not one word of empathy for the uncloggers of this world. Plumbers Unite! Let the pubes be, make 'em drain their own swamp.
Fearless_Fred These are great for making shapes! ❤️🔹🔴♠️ practice on your dog first! Wow, he should probably do it more than once a year then. They should have stuffed heart shaped pillows with them. Are they donating that hair ? We should've had an 50 year anniversary of the 70s style 😳😂 OMG! WHERE DOES IT GO? Do we need to be on the lookout for giant balls of pubes rolling down the street?
plucked and condensed for her pleasure Whoa! Just between those two? Gotta be a liberals idea. I did it all for the nookie, her cookie Thanks for the reminder!!! analogyboys Sculpted mine into a lightening bolt. 'Cause I never strike the same spot twice! That’s a lot of paint brushes That’s gross Amateurs Prob a fact
LikeSmize Good time to be a plumber 💰 *marked safe* 11,000 tons of it were later reported to have been in vain. RELATED: 18,000 Tons of Pubic Hair Needlessly Trimmed Is that accounting for the crabs? I didn’t weigh it, but I’d say there was about 20,000 tons. I hadn’t rummaged around down there for quite some time. Found a set of car keys I lost back in October.
IT’S SO BAD FOR THE ENVIRONMENT That's amore. Just slap some pomade on it and slick it back, sheesh! Ew. No one likes the onion Business in the front, party in the back So I was the only one? . I feel a slight need for smelling salts after the picture that created in my mind. That much pubic hair would have .. odds it would have some pretty nasty biology in it
BigGame33 ShanOSea Its going into our drinking water and our oceans. Please recycle... Leave It To (bald) Beaver I hope its put to good use!!! Segway, tons of wigs available after valentines day(definitely not made out of pubic hair!) Leave it to (bald) Beaver it should really be called private hair and not public hair
When you have enough to fill a cushion... My wife is gonna love her giant pube bouquet. Thanks everyone! Seriously. This is appropriate news? Wtf is wrong with this world and ppl? Shave that shit off regularly!!! 🤪 Better do more than trim or our day is going to be underwater. I wonder how my girl shaves her butt?
SchickXtreme SchickHydro BarbasolShave can I get a sponsorship? “Bosley Hair Loss Treatment supplies skyrocket; get a good deal” FivePointsVids I know the perfect promo code for that it’s what you do with it afterwards that makes the gift special Are pubic hairs bio-degradable? And placed in random pockets of jeans at departments stores across the country.
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