BELOIT, WI—Gasping sharply and demanding their son to report to his room this instant, conservative parents Justine and Stewart Taylor asked their son Thursday if he’d care to explain why there was a vaccine card hidden in his underwear drawer. “So, is there anything in particular that you’d like to tell us—or did you think we were stupid and just wouldn’t find out?” said Stewart, holding up his child’s inoculation records, squinting, and whispering, “Don’t lie to me, son,” as his wife sobbed quietly in the background. “Sixteen years of clothing you, feeding you, and loving you with all our hearts, and this is how you repay us? Just look at what you’ve done to your mother! She didn’t raise you to go off into some tent full of miscreants God knows where and inject this kind of terrible stuff into your body. I thought we taught you right, but you know, you’re just one more dose of Moderna or Pfizer from losing your mind, or worse, ending up in a ditch somewhere, dead.” At press time, the Taylors had reportedly thrown their son out onto the street with nothing but his masks and hand sanitizer after rolling up his sleeve to find a bandage.