How To Deal With Common Dog Behavior Problems

My dog frequently barks and howls when I get home. How do I calm him down when he greets me?

You can easily solve this problem by trading in your dog for a cat.

What should I do if my dog urinates indoors?

Urinating is how dogs mark their territory. If your dog has urinated in your home, quickly transfer all titles into their name and leave the property immediately.

My dog has an unceasing, unquenchable need for attention that can only be satiated by the human touch and genuine affection. Can this be stopped?

Nothing that another month in the crate can’t solve!

I just started dating someone new. Is there any way to get my dog to stop watching me whenever I have sex with my partner?

Not many dog owners know that they can easily stop their pets from watching them have sex by blocking them on OnlyFans.

How do I help my dog with his severe anxiety during fireworks?

Explain to your dog that he’s back from Afghanistan, and that the days of heavy gunfire and surviving multiple IED blasts are behind him.

Is there any way to fix my dog’s severe underperformance on social media?

Most owners don’t realize it, but you may actually be encouraging this behavior by continuing to feed your dog even after their posts tank on Instagram.

What do I do if my dog is shedding its skin?

Come to think of it, you might actually have a snake.

What should I do if I keep getting weird looks while breastfeeding my dog in public?

Unfortunately, the U.S. is still years behind other countries in terms of its regressive views on breastfeeding, and there’s nothing you can do to change that.

How do I stop my dog from spewing Islamophobic hate speech?

As a dog owner, it’s imperative to restrict the message boards they are on immediately. Once they are past the puppy stage, it is almost impossible to deprogram them.

How do I get my dog to stop chewing on furniture while I leave?

Sounds like he needs nature’s medicine: The crate.

What do I do if my dog is dead?

While this might seem like an issue at first, you’ll soon begin to appreciate how totally low maintenance your dog has become.

How do I stop my dog from begging while I eat dinner?

Crate time!

My dog has fled the country after a string of high-profile murder charges were brought against him. Should I cooperate with the authorities?

Careful, loose lips. There are dogs everywhere who will know if you squeal.

How do I stop my dog from digging holes in the backyard?

Your dog may not be getting enough mental stimulation, provide the animal with a book of Sudoku or a jigsaw puzzle.

Why do I hate my dog?

You are a bad owner, into the crate!

Why is my dog constantly sniffing my crotch?

Beggars can’t be choosers!

How do I properly crate train my dog?

You monster. Why would you ever think of locking up a beautiful creature like that?