If an article with virtual sex tips had existed when I first started camming, my first night online would have been more comfortable and a bigger success. Now that I know a thing or two about online intimacy, I know it's possible to stay safe during virtual sex—and have fun too. The first night I ever worked as a cam girl was in 2009. I’d spent hours trying to make sure everything was just right—styling my hair, caking on makeup, and scanning my body to ensure I was smoothly shaved and moisturized. This was the kind of primping I’d never do on a regular basis, and I didn’t feel like myself. I slipped into some skimpy lingerie as the tiny blue dot that indicated my camera was live blinked at the top of my laptop. I was instantly connected to thousands of viewers—and instantly overwhelmed.
Over time, I realized that authenticity is a key aspect of sex, even when it occurs online. I stopped dressing up as someone else on camera and started to enjoy using this medium to share my own sexuality more organically with others. I continued to work in the sex industry for five years, mostly using virtual platforms. I modeled on cam sites, created custom content for fans, offered girlfriend experiences, and even started my own business. When I got married, my spouse deployed just weeks later, and we used similar online tools to maintain an intimate connection. I still believe it’s one of the reasons our relationship survived that separation.
Countless couples have pursued sexual relationships from a distance before now, but during the coronavirus pandemic, even more people are giving it a go. Turning to virtual platforms can help keep a sexual spark alive, but these encounters are sometimes awkward or feel risky. To help you out, I interviewed experts and pulled from my own experiences for virtual sex tips that can help everyone involved have an excellent time.
1. Make sure you feel okay with having virtual sex.
Before embarking on your virtual sex adventure, you should feel comfortable having these kinds of interactions with the person (or people) in question. Mary Anne Franks, J.D., D.Phil, is a lawyer and activist with the Cyber Civil Rights Initiative, an organization that fights online abuse and revenge porn. She recommends asking yourself a few key questions before giving virtual intimacy a try:
- How much do I trust this partner?
- Where has this relationship been before this time of separation?
- Has this partner ever betrayed my trust?
- How much risk am I willing to tolerate to pursue this?
“If you have a partner who has made you uncomfortable in the past, this is not someone who will respect your boundaries now,” Franks says. Whoever you’re having virtual sex with needs to stick to every boundary you put in place to keep yourself safe. That should be non-negotiable.
While thinking about what feels most comfortable to you, remember that there are countless options for how to have sex at a distance. Yes, you can customize a photo shoot or record video content for a more modern, personalized experience. But you can also write letters to one another that include explicit details (so vintage!) or opt to text for written gratification that’s more immediate. You could also go retro and stick with phone sex that only involves your voices. The point is, if you don’t feel comfortable with certain types of virtual sex for any reason, that doesn’t mean you have to completely abstain from all sexual interaction right now. Instead, it’s about figuring out what works best for everyone involved.
2. Seek enthusiastic consent just like you would in person.
If you’re engaging in virtual intimacy for the first time with someone, it’s good to discuss everyone’s wants and needs, safety precautions, fears and anxieties, and what ground rules you’d like to set. Honestly, it’s good to talk about all of this continually on an as-needed basis even if you have already had virtual sex with this person. “These discussions should be treated as just another healthy conversation about any sexual act,” Franks explains.
Questions to explore include:
- Do we both (or all) definitely want to do this?
- What kinds of interactions and platforms are we each comfortable with?
- Should we leave our faces out of the frame as a rule?
- Should we delete intimate photos or videos after use or if we end our relationship?
Each person involved might have a different perspective on these questions, so it’s important to find common ground before getting down to business. And yes, it might feel totally awkward to do this, especially if you’re not in a relationship with the person you want to have virtual sex with. Maybe you’re on a surprisingly great FaceTime date with someone you recently started talking to from an app, for example, and things are getting progressively hotter. Just like it would be important to press pause in real life to have a safe-sex talk even in the heat of the moment with someone new, it’s important to set some boundaries before having virtual sex.
Franks notes that you should never feel pressured or reluctant before having virtual sex, and saying yes to any kind of sexual activity at one point doesn’t mean you or your partner is required to follow through if someone changes their mind. “If someone is pressuring you to send more than you’re comfortable with, they don’t deserve your nudes,” Katelyn Bowden, founder and CEO of the Badass Army, an organization that helps victims of revenge porn, tells SELF.
3. Use the most trustworthy digital platforms possible.
This is one of the most important virtual sex tips to follow. It’s nearly impossible for the average person to tell when a third party is intercepting or eavesdropping on their digital activity. Hackers could leak your sensitive photos, videos, and texts or watch what’s happening on your webcam. Even someone you consent to have virtual sex with could violate your trust by showing what you share with them to others. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have virtual sex if you feel comfortable with it, but it’s a good idea to take some steps to protect your digital privacy.
First, even though there is no perfect way to ensure your data will be secure, do your best to find a trustworthy platform. Franks notes that you should research platforms and apps before you try them, searching for options that have “end-to-end” or “person-to-person” encryption, which essentially means anyone intercepting the message won’t be able to see it. “Encrypted apps like Signal are best to use for this kind of encounter,” Bowden explains. Many other kinds of popular digital platforms have various potential issues when it comes to maintaining privacy for virtual sex. For instance, “Zoom has some security flaws that are troubling,” Bowden says. Facebook messenger allows you to delete your messages so that both you and anyone else in the chat can no longer see them, but only for 10 minutes after you’ve sent the message. People can also find ways to take screenshots on Snapchat without the user knowing, Bowden adds.
With all of this in mind, texting is often a better option than online tools like Facebook messenger, Snapchat, and Zoom—as long as you disable features that automatically store all of your texts to the Cloud or anywhere else that could be prone to hacking. Also, make sure you use a strong password and two-factor authentication for any apps to help prevent other people from accessing your sexual photos and videos.
Even then, it’s still possible for hackers to access your content via malware disguised as online links and email attachments, so make sure to brush up on tips for avoiding that. Other simple safeguarding steps like changing the default usernames and passwords on your router and using the most recent and updated versions of apps, browsers, operating systems, and other software can make a difference.
Finally, if you’re not totally sure you can trust the person you’re sharing content with but still want to do it, Bowden notes that you can watermark intimate images with the name of the recipient. “It holds the recipient responsible for the privacy and safety of the image,” she says.
4. Art direct your experience.
A $15 desk lamp pointed from behind the camera often acts as my spotlight. I also stack my computer on an old hamper to achieve the views I want for a video. Use props and makeshift scaffolding at your discretion to play with angles and scenes that make you feel proud, sexy, and powerful—or stick with simpler framing to create a more natural interaction. Wear what makes you feel confident, whether it’s a baggy tee, lingerie, or nothing at all. Personally, clothes don’t really affect my perception of myself. Instead, I feel good when I lock eyes with the camera, bite my lip, and get flirty. Trying different positions on camera introduced me to new sides of myself, and now I feel more confident in person too. You and your partner can even swap control over how the other displays themselves as long as everyone consents.
From a safety perspective, make sure there’s nothing in the background that could give away your location, like a street sign you can see through a window. Even if you totally trust the person you’re sending this content to, knowing your photos or videos don’t include hints about where you are can give you some peace of mind if someone did manage to hack your content. One easy way to do this is to opt for lighting that showcases what you want to focus on and let the rest fade into darkness.
5. Start slowly, and check in with each other frequently.
It’s okay if you don’t want to bare it all or try something kinky on camera. Remember to continue talking about your needs as a couple (or group), note how your interests shift, and adapt accordingly. Over time, you might want to dive in deeper or need to take a break from these kinds of interactions. Comfort levels change, and that’s perfectly fine.
6. Use your words.
Tell your partner what you miss or crave and what you hope you’ll do together when you’re able to see each other in person. Are you missing their scent? The look on their face during an orgasm? The warmth of their touch or kisses? Using your own authentic voice to describe your desires will feel more familiar and natural than trying too hard to come up with sexy language that just isn’t yours.
7. Play with toys.
There really is something for everyone. Vibrators, dildos, ticklers, and other toys abound. Or you could try household staples like ice cubes, a wooden spoon, candle wax, fruit, and more. (Just make sure you're careful about what you're putting inside your body and avoid things that could cause irritation or injury, like certain foods.) Something extra special during quarantine could include splurging on a couples sex toy that allows partners to control each other’s pleasure with an app or remote. Whether you show each other your experiences on camera, share them on a phone call, or even keep them to yourself, these playful objects can make your self-exploration more enjoyable.
8. Be yourself.
I truly believe that affirmation and authenticity are the most important aspects of these vulnerable experiences. Encourage your partner to do what feels genuine, too, and it’s okay if your interests don’t align all the time. Remember to have fun, and most of all, don’t put too much pressure on yourself. We’re all dealing with enough of that already.
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