FREMONT, CA—In an effort to increase foot traffic at their 1,667 locations nationwide, struggling retailer Men’s Wearhouse announced Tuesday that, effective immediately, they would provide free measurements of whatever the hell customers wanted. “We’ve trained our associates to go beyond sleeves and inseams to measure just about anything, from the distance between Milwaukee and Chicago to the density of sedimentary rocks,” said CEO Dinesh Lathi, noting that the retailer would also arrange house calls to help measure anything from square footage of a domicile to hectares of land to “even freshly caught trout, in case you want to see if you’ve broken any angling records.” “Naturally we’re still offering free chest and waist measurements, but we hope to boost sales by measuring any place on your body, someone else’s body, planetary bodies, or even imaginary or theoretical bodies. Any object qualifies; let us know what you have, whether it’s a pine 2-by-4 or an 8.5-by-11-inch sheet of copier paper. If you’ve got a prize-winning pumpkin, we’d be happy to confirm that and fit it for a three-piece suit while we’re at it. While it’s true online shopping has hit sales pretty hard, we’re still measurement leaders, and if this pans out, we might transition into an all-measurement-based company.” Lathi also stressed that the Men’s Wearhouse would still not provide garment measurements for women.