Is my husband’s affair linked to my childhood abuse? | Annalisa Barbieri

6/12/2020 5:12:00 PM

Is my husband’s affair linked to my childhood abuse? | Annalisa Barbieri

Life And Style, Family

Is my husband’s affair linked to my childhood abuse? | Annalisa Barbieri

Your trauma is not to blame for your husband’s infidelity, says Annalisa Barbieri. Therapy will help you focus on your own needs

‘Your letter was heartbreaking because it’s all about other people’s wants.When I was 12, my 19-year-old cousin started to sexually abuse me, showing up at my house most afternoons.These are external links and will open in a new window Close share panel Shutterstock Image caption The Sun said it had not intended to"glorify" domestic violence in its interview with JK Rowling's former husband Jorge Arantes The Sun newspaper has faced a backlash from domestic abuse charities for an article in which JK Rowling's ex said"I'm not sorry" for slapping her.My husband’s password is his ex-girlfriend’s name for almost every account, and I am devastated.

’ Illustration: Lo Cole/The Guardian ‘Your letter was heartbreaking because it’s all about other people’s wants.’ Illustration: Lo Cole/The Guardian Published on Fri 12 Jun 2020 15. I do not remember how or when it ended, but I know I still feel the dread I felt when his motorcycle stopped in front of our house.00 BST When I was 12, my 19-year-old cousin started to sexually abuse me, showing up at my house most afternoons . The newspaper said it had not intended to"enable or glorify" domestic abuse. I worshipped him, so I didn’t know how to say no. I was terrified of sex, so we waited almost 10 years to make love. I do not remember how or when it ended, but I know I still feel the dread I felt when his motorcycle stopped in front of our house. It was a shock.

I met my husband when I was 17. Last week, 30 years after we met, I discovered that my husband had been cheating on me for a year. The Sun's front page headline on Friday was:"I slapped JK and I'm not sorry". I was terrified of sex, so we waited almost 10 years to make love. We had a child, who is now a young teen. I enjoy sex to a degree, but never feel the urge, even though I masturbate. Last week, 30 years after we met, I discovered that my husband had been cheating on me for a year. But I didn't abuse her. At this point, we hadn’t made love for a year. He says he’s in love. One is that your husband had a fulfilling, important relationship before you.

I enjoy sex to a degree, but never feel the urge, even though I masturbate. He tells me he needs to feel desired, and this other woman gives him what I never could. What your cousin did was criminal and entirely not your fault.". He says he’s in love. I’m devastated, and I wonder if the trauma I experienced as a child is behind my incapacity to satisfy his needs , or if there were too many unsaid things in our relationship for it to be healthy? Do you think therapy would help ? I’m so sorry to hear about your childhood sexual abuse. I do want you to recognise how you have survived this abuse, which happened at such a young age. What your cousin did was criminal and entirely not your fault. What kind of underlining-her-name-and-doodling-hearts-in-the-margins kind of move is that? And maybe when you try to tell him this makes you feel unloved – like you’re in competition with his nostalgic fiction of a perfect relationship – he tells you that it’s perfectly normal, and you’d know that if you’d had any fulfilling relationships of your own.

You could still report him if you wanted to, if he is alive, but that is your decision alone to make. Your letter was heartbreaking, because it’s all about other people’s wants. I do want you to recognise how you have survived this abuse, which happened at such a young age. Your trauma – I’m glad you recognise it as such – is also categorically not to blame for your husband’s infidelity, which is entirely his to own. But I would ask you, what are your needs – and has he, or anyone, met them? I consulted psychoanalytic psychotherapist Dr Sally Beeken (bpc. Your letter was heartbreaking, because it’s all about other people’s wants. You mention your supposed “incapacity to satisfy his needs”.uk). The best way to work out which story you’re in is to approach him with total vulnerability about the fears this lays you open to.

But I would ask you, what are your needs – and has he, or anyone, met them? I consulted psychoanalytic psychotherapist Dr Sally Beeken ( bpc.org. Abuse survivors often report myriad emotions – guilt, shame, anger, even loss – especially if the abuser was someone they loved.uk ). We talked about how you must have so many conflicting feelings towards your cousin, and any feeling you have is OK.org. Abuse survivors often report myriad emotions – guilt, shame, anger, even loss – especially if the abuser was someone they loved.  Every person in a relationship has to have parts of their life that are “ours” and parts that are “just mine”.

There’s a lot of information about this on the National Association for People Abused in Childhood website ( . There is also a helpline: 0808 801 0331; and email support: support@napac.

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‘Your letter was heartbreaking because it’s all about other people’s wants.When I was 12, my 19-year-old cousin started to sexually abuse me, showing up at my house most afternoons.These are external links and will open in a new window Close share panel Shutterstock Image caption The Sun said it had not intended to"glorify" domestic violence in its interview with JK Rowling's former husband Jorge Arantes The Sun newspaper has faced a backlash from domestic abuse charities for an article in which JK Rowling's ex said"I'm not sorry" for slapping her.My husband’s password is his ex-girlfriend’s name for almost every account, and I am devastated.

’ Illustration: Lo Cole/The Guardian ‘Your letter was heartbreaking because it’s all about other people’s wants.’ Illustration: Lo Cole/The Guardian Published on Fri 12 Jun 2020 15. I do not remember how or when it ended, but I know I still feel the dread I felt when his motorcycle stopped in front of our house.00 BST When I was 12, my 19-year-old cousin started to sexually abuse me, showing up at my house most afternoons . The newspaper said it had not intended to"enable or glorify" domestic abuse. I worshipped him, so I didn’t know how to say no. I was terrified of sex, so we waited almost 10 years to make love. I do not remember how or when it ended, but I know I still feel the dread I felt when his motorcycle stopped in front of our house. It was a shock.

I met my husband when I was 17. Last week, 30 years after we met, I discovered that my husband had been cheating on me for a year. The Sun's front page headline on Friday was:"I slapped JK and I'm not sorry". I was terrified of sex, so we waited almost 10 years to make love. We had a child, who is now a young teen. I enjoy sex to a degree, but never feel the urge, even though I masturbate. Last week, 30 years after we met, I discovered that my husband had been cheating on me for a year. But I didn't abuse her. At this point, we hadn’t made love for a year. He says he’s in love. One is that your husband had a fulfilling, important relationship before you.

I enjoy sex to a degree, but never feel the urge, even though I masturbate. He tells me he needs to feel desired, and this other woman gives him what I never could. What your cousin did was criminal and entirely not your fault.". He says he’s in love. I’m devastated, and I wonder if the trauma I experienced as a child is behind my incapacity to satisfy his needs , or if there were too many unsaid things in our relationship for it to be healthy? Do you think therapy would help ? I’m so sorry to hear about your childhood sexual abuse. I do want you to recognise how you have survived this abuse, which happened at such a young age. What your cousin did was criminal and entirely not your fault. What kind of underlining-her-name-and-doodling-hearts-in-the-margins kind of move is that? And maybe when you try to tell him this makes you feel unloved – like you’re in competition with his nostalgic fiction of a perfect relationship – he tells you that it’s perfectly normal, and you’d know that if you’d had any fulfilling relationships of your own.

You could still report him if you wanted to, if he is alive, but that is your decision alone to make. Your letter was heartbreaking, because it’s all about other people’s wants. I do want you to recognise how you have survived this abuse, which happened at such a young age. Your trauma – I’m glad you recognise it as such – is also categorically not to blame for your husband’s infidelity, which is entirely his to own. But I would ask you, what are your needs – and has he, or anyone, met them? I consulted psychoanalytic psychotherapist Dr Sally Beeken (bpc. Your letter was heartbreaking, because it’s all about other people’s wants. You mention your supposed “incapacity to satisfy his needs”.uk). The best way to work out which story you’re in is to approach him with total vulnerability about the fears this lays you open to.

But I would ask you, what are your needs – and has he, or anyone, met them? I consulted psychoanalytic psychotherapist Dr Sally Beeken ( bpc.org. Abuse survivors often report myriad emotions – guilt, shame, anger, even loss – especially if the abuser was someone they loved.uk ). We talked about how you must have so many conflicting feelings towards your cousin, and any feeling you have is OK.org. Abuse survivors often report myriad emotions – guilt, shame, anger, even loss – especially if the abuser was someone they loved.  Every person in a relationship has to have parts of their life that are “ours” and parts that are “just mine”.

There’s a lot of information about this on the National Association for People Abused in Childhood website ( . There is also a helpline: 0808 801 0331; and email support: support@napac.