How to consciously uncouple from a friend, no ghosting required

, we have to take care of our kids, or our parents – friends choose to do things for each other, so we can put them off. They fall through the cracks.”As my friend Charlie, 31, says: “I very much believe that some people are there for a short time and maybe for a reason, but they don’t necessarily have a place [in our social circle] forever.

I wish I’d spoken up sooner to Jane about our friendship, and my feelings of unhappiness. If I could do it again I’d demonstrate more grace., whether it is expected or not, and it was my own cowardice that meant I distanced myself before finally having ‘The Talk’. I don’t think I trusted her to respond well to my upset, which I suppose says everything about the state of the friendship to begin with.

I don’t think there needs to be any other reason behind ending a friendship other than you want to. Women are forever having to justify themselves, to defend themselves for putting their needs first, or even suggesting they have needs in the first place. It’s still somehow unacceptable in society to be a woman with boundaries, who says no as much as she says yes, who advocatesand sets her own rules. But in my book, if you want out of a friendship, then that’s a good enough reason to end it.

In ending my friendship I’m proudest of distinguishing between the two of us, and the friendship itself. Before our big fall-out, I made it clear that it was the friendship itself that wasn’t working – not that she was a ‘bad’ person or had screwed up irreparably. Framing the conversation that way means you can’t get too personal.

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