When I was single, telling someone I was interested in that I am bisexual was nerve racking. While I think being bisexual is fantastic, I had learned to accept that the majority of men and women I liked didn’t share my enthusiasm.
Once, I had been Tindering with a girl for weeks. The banter was good, the date was set, but when I let her know I was bisexual she quickly realised she "wasn’t over" her ex and cancelled the date. While it was nice of her to not make me feel bad about my sexuality, it was still pretty clear that it was the revelation - not her ex - that got the date cancelled.
Some may call being rejected on the basis of your sexuality biphobia [an aversion to or dislike of bi people, or disbelief they even exist]. It’s an old but tiresome question that recently resurfaced on Twitter, to much debate: “Does not wanting to date a bisexual man make you biphobic?”
In a now-deleted tweet, one user wrote, "I’m straight and wouldn’t date a bisexual man. I’m not 'biphobic' I just am not comfortable with it and that’s ok. I don’t speak against them or have anything against them. I just don’t want to be involved romantically."
Tweets like this are disheartening for bisexual people to read. We might be the only people where our sexuality – the very thing that makes us attracted to people - is also the very thing that stops that attraction being reciprocated. Luckily, the statement didn’t go unchallenged. Some users pointed out that, “If you are not comfortable with that, it's because you have a problem with bisexuality. Aka biphobia. No matter the reason behind it, insecurity and whatnot, you still have a problem with bisexuality.”
While I’m not one to take Twitter opinions as gospel, this one does seem to be widely held by the majority of women. Researchers have previously found 81 per cent of women would not consider dating a bisexual man. And it’s an attitude I’ve certainly experienced first hand.
When I was single the mere mention of my ex-boyfriend was enough to get me ghosted. And even though I’m now in a relationship of three years, it’s shocking how many people I meet that still feel the need to tell me they wouldn’t date a bisexual man.
One woman at Pride last year assumed I was gay. When I clarified my sexuality, she went into a long monologue about how she is "too jealous and insecure" to date a bisexual man. She told me how worrying about other women was stressful enough, and she wouldn’t be able to worry about men as well without "going mad". At no point did she realise she was projecting her own issues on to an entire group of people.
I’m also certainly not the only bisexual man to deal with this. Manuel has identified as bi since his early twenties. "When I was 21, I started to date this woman who was 10 years my senior. Things moved on really fast, and we got intimate basically on our first date. After our first sexual encounter, we began talking about relationships and attractions. I told her I was not only sexually attracted to women, but to men too. Her expression instantly changed, it was just like she had been slapped across the face.
"Her biggest concern was that I could give her a STI. The relationship soured soon after me coming out to her, and things ended a couple of months later." Manuel experienced rejection because of his sexuality a number of times throughout his twenties by "women who told me they couldn't kiss a guy whose mouth had sucked another dude's dick." Finding this tiresome, he eventually decided to stop approaching and dating straight women.
"When I was single and on a date with a woman, the idea that I would open up about my bisexuality was a touch risky," bi man Chris tells me. "Many times the subject dominated the date and could plant all sorts of negative vibes in the girl. One or two times it's flat out ended things. Strangely, it's always the case bisexual men are regarded as 'gay in waiting'. Having to constantly explain yourself and your motives for having same-sex attraction is boring, and dating is normally much more fun when it's not the focus."
Ashley says he's struggled to develop relationships, despite being attracted to people of more than one gender. "Yes there’s been physical contact and close friendship, but no one has ever taken my interest in women seriously," he explains. "And where I developed any connection with a woman, it was always as if they immediately see my bisexuality as a barrier.”
So, are these women bad people? Does not wanting to date a man because he is bisexual biphobic? The truth is, when fighting for equality we have to be realistic. Calling everyone who says something we don’t like “phobic” does relatively little to change hearts and minds. And sadly, if I believed everyone who didn’t want to date a bisexual was a bad person, I’d have no friends.
It can also become dangerous if you insinuate anyone should find someone attractive. So what's key here is the intent - and what it all comes down to is the reason you wouldn’t date a bisexual man.
If you wouldn’t date a bisexual man because you think he’s secretly gay and not being honest about his sexuality, would cheat, will never be satisfied by one person, or is an STI risk, then yes - the votes are in, you’re buying into harmful bisexual stereotypes based on prejudice and biphobia.
If you wouldn’t date a bisexual man because he’s just not your cup of tea, and on a primal level he just doesn’t make you tingle, then that’s fine.
In reality, the reason many women have issues around dating bisexual men is because it’s something new to them. It’s only recently bi men have started coming out more publicly, and anything new is going to be met with scrutiny. You could argue it is more the ignorance we need to tackle.
Unfortunately, part of being a bisexual man in 2019 is having to educate people as you go through life. In my experience, telling women what bisexuality actually means and explaining what a relationship with me looks like, usually gets rid of any pre-programmed prejudice.
But, I also see this situation through mixed race eyes. As a biracial boy, if a woman said (like they often do about my bisexuality, “Ugh I could never date a mixed raced guy,” I wouldn’t want to date her anymore. Why would you date someone who has a problem with who you are?
No girl has ever told me they wouldn’t date me because I’m mixed raced, but plenty have rejected me because of my sexuality. They know making someone feel bad because of the colour of their skin is wrong, but don’t seem to realise (or care?) when it’s about sexuality.
Ultimately though, there is a balance to be found. I accept that a woman with a thing for ginger-haired guys is probably not going to find me hot. I also realise my bisexuality may not be every woman’s thing. As long as I’m being rejected because of hormones - not hate - it’s all good. But I do feel there should be some etiquette. So if you don’t want to date a bisexual man, don’t make him feel bad about who he is - just say you don’t feel the spark.
And for those who do need a bisexual re-education, listen up. Australian researchers found women in relationships with bisexual men felt their men were better lovers, fathers and partners than the straight men they’d dated. Many of the women said their relationships were more equal with bisexual men, as they didn’t bring any preconceived gender bias to the relationship. The report also concluded that most women who date bisexual men would not go back to dating straight men.
In reality bisexuals are no different to any others demographic, some are good, some are bad. But we shouldn’t instantly form an opinion about a bisexual person before getting to know them as an individual.
To the bisexual men that are likely to run into negative attitudes, stay positive - your sexuality is a plus, not a negative. But also have some self respect, you shouldn’t have to convince people to like you. I am living proof that you will find your prince or princess eventually.
