What to say to someone with cancer

Do you know what to say or what to do when a friend, relative or acquaintance has cancer?

In her blog, she sought to reassure hesitant friends: “I would rather see your face and the pain and fear in your eyes than to have you feel too unsure and awkward to see me. I would rather hear about you, your work, your life, your kids and your puppy’s antics than I would about my sickness.” As she wrote, “People don’t want advice on how they should feel or how to be fixed ; they often just want to be heard. Acknowledging a person’s pain or bad day, instead of trying to move them past it, is the most helpful way to go. It is best to simply say, ‘I’m sorry you are going through this. Would you like to talk about it?’”

“Don’t ask ‘How are you?’ Ask ‘How are things?’ Don’t ask about treatment or if the cancer is curable. Don’t volunteer stories about yourself or other patients, and don’t tell the patient what to think or feel or do,” Harpham told me. “The most ridiculous thing I heard was ‘The best thing you can do for your cancer is to stay positive,’” Nodjoumi said. “Does that mean if I don’t stay positive my cancer will come back?”

At the same time, Harpham suggests asking patients, whatever the status of their disease, what they are hoping for. Encourage them to focus on short-term goals, and ask if there’s some way you can help them achieve those goals. Guide them to talk about hopes they can do something about, and listen without interrupting, judging or trying to fix what they say. In all cases, she said, the underlying message should be “I hear you … I believe you … I am here for you.

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