"It's dawning on me that this is going to be more difficult than I thought," he told me."We have to prepare for that."
At the end of a 12-hour shift a few weeks ago, just as he was leaving, a patient went into cardiac arrest. As he has been trained to do, as he has done thousands of times before, my father bent close the patient to try to save his life. He was wearing an eye-shield and a mask, but in the rush, they were not tightly secured. This, he thinks, is when he became infected. He tested positive on March 18.
I've never, ever seen my father admit that he is sick. He has no underlying health problems. But now, at home, he sleeps under two thick comforters, barely stirring when I come to collect laundry and dirty dishes. His normally too-loud-for-the-restaurant voice is muted. When he has the energy, I see him writing and rewriting a letter on a yellow legal pad. I hope I never have to read it.
Sometimes, I wonder if I should make some sort of declaration, to try to tell him all the things that don't need telling. But anything I imagine saying seems forced and, somehow, unnecessary. He knows what he needs to know. We do not need to mourn together. That is not his job.
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