8 laws of attraction: Book explains why some people get all the attention and others none

HONG KONG — As a child, Justin Clottey was curious about why some people got more attention than others. Looks certainly played a part in attraction, but it wasn't the whole picture. So what was going on? What was it that made someone want to be near that person, to give them their time, attention and energy?

The question continued to intrigue Mr Clottey as he grew up, became a junior school teacher and a lifelong learner. "I've always been interested in the idea of attraction — what emotionally draws people to others," says Mr Clottey, speaking by Zoom from Toronto, Canada.

The American thought deeply about his own interactions, began reading books on the subject and, when he travelled overseas, asked the people he met what attracted them to some people and not others. He was working towards a book, but his full-time job meant he never had the time to put pen to paper — until coronavirus hit.

The pandemic gave him the time and space to write, and his debut self-help book, Improve Your Self-Image by Understanding What Makes Someone Attractive, was released at the end of last year.

"Whether we want to admit it or not, the image other people have of us greatly affects how we see ourselves. It dictates how we are treated in the world. It's like feedback. If it's positive, we're on the right track. If it's negative, something about us might be off," says Mr Clottey.

To be clear, he isn't talking about unfounded mistreatment related to ethnicity, gender, age or other factors that are beyond our control. He's referring to the view others have of us based on how we present ourselves and how it affects every relationship in our lives, from romantic partners to colleagues, friends and family.

If the notion of attraction seems frivolous, think again. We are social beings and the satisfaction and success we find in our lives is inevitably connected to our relationships — friends, family, colleagues and the casual acquaintances we make along the way.

Happiness reports regularly list the quality of our relationships as one of the most important factors in achieving nirvana on the happiness scale.

"Being attractive is all about bringing people to you. It's important because it encourages people to want to give you their time and energy," explains Mr Clottey. And just as we can attract people, we can equally repel them.

Poor hygiene or nose picking is likely to turn off anyone — whether a client or a prospective date. And even supposedly good behaviours can have a negative impact if overdone. Take the person who is way too nice, going overboard in doing favours and helping out.

"If someone is too nice it can be repulsive, we may not trust that person's motives or we may feel forced to reciprocate which can also feel repulsive to us," Mr Clottey says.

As children we're largely drilled in all the things not to do if we want to be liked and for others to be attracted to us, but we get far fewer instructions about what to do.

Mr Clottey's lifelong passion to get to the root of this mysterious magnetic pull that draws us to some and not to others breaks attraction down into eight key factors — certainty, ease, balance, brevity, mastery, lightheartedness, reputation and physical appearance — and then goes into painstaking detail to explain how each one operates.

MR CLOTTEY'S EIGHT ATTRACTION FACTORS

1. Certainty/The lack of hesitation in speech and behaviour

It is witnessed in a person's body language, their passion, daily activities and how they react when challenged. "When someone lacks hesitation, that's a direct result of them being sure of themselves. Where does this assuredness come from? From belief, what they choose to believe," said Mr Clottey.

2. Ease/The display of smoothness, fluidity, the poise with which someone carries themselves

"When ease is shown in dire situations people are even more drawn to that person," he said.

3. Balance/Our brains love equilibrium

People are drawn to those who they perceive might be able to help them achieve balance in life. Mr Clottey divides this into three aspects: Equalising balance — people who are similar to us in terms of how they think, present themselves; counterbalance — people who are different from you (think opposites attract); and visual balance — as seen in a face and body that shows symmetry.

4. Brevity/When a person reveals themselves in small amounts

"This is the spice of life. If you see someone all the time, not only do you start to get tired of them, you almost become numb to them, but if you see someone less frequently they become more appealing to you," says Mr Clottey.

5. Mastery/Is about reaching a level of competency in a particular field that you can easily repeat that success

Our brain associates this with reliability and stability, which Mr Clottey said makes it even more attractive.

6. Lightheartedness/Mr Clottey breaks this into three elements — humour, humility and sensitivity

"It's essentially the ability to make a situation pleasant for other people," he says.

7. Reputation/This is the overall impression of a person and is formed from what you learn from others about a person or from your own personal experience of them

"It is the element that you as a person have to put the least amount of work into but can give you the biggest return or downfall," says Mr Clottey.

8. Physical Appearance/Facial features, build, height, dress/style and colour (skin, eye and hair colour).

Obviously, some of these you cannot change

Mr Clottey has jokingly divided his book into two parts. If you get through the first section you earn a "Bachelor's of Attraction" (he's even got a certificate you tear out of the book and award yourself); if you complete the final section which details how to integrate learning about attraction into your life, you can award yourself a "Master's of Attraction".

So, has the process of researching and writing the book taught Mr Clottey how to attract the people he wants into his life?

"I've applied most of the aspects into my life, I'm still working on some of them. You have to take the time and put it into your life and then you'll see the impact," he said.

It certainly can't hurt to become a little more self-aware and consider the ways we might be inadvertently turning people off and how to better draw people towards us. SOUTH CHINA MORNING POST